Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Letters, I got letters, I got lots and lots of letters

Dear CNN,

The fact that Britney and KFed are finally getting divorced IS NOT NEWS. It's gossip. Therefore, it should NOT be the teaser going into a commercial. It shouldn't be mentioned AT ALL. You are a NEWS station, not E! At least attempt to look serious. Especially on ELECTION day.

Yours in disgust,

Dear Joe,

I tried to like you, but your perfectly airbrushed face and lack of expression just isn't doing it for me. I don't like your hair and your clothes? Dude. They're about 3 sizes too big, which doesn't flatter you. At all. Bring back Steve and his goofy green rugby shirt. Steve is kind of nerdy and nebbishy, in a Lloyd Dobbler kind of way and if I must suffer thru children's programming, then, by god, I want, nay, I NEED to get a little something out of it.

Besides, I think Blue liked Steve better, too.

It's not you, it's me.

Your in fickleness,

Dear Avent Sippy Cup People,

Your cups suck. There are far too many pieces to the lid. Four. Four pieces, just for the damned lid. A hard little plastic disk, a soft little plastic disk, the sippy apparatus and the collar that said apparatus clicks into.

Your claim that these cups don't spill is ridiculous. And if it's because I'm doing something wrong, then your cup is too complicated. It shouldn't require a degree in advanced physics to put together a sippy cup!

Take a page out of Playtex's book. Two parts. The lid and the doo-hickey that goes into the lid. Put it in and hey, presto. Milk for a toddler doing the "Miwk, miwk, miwk" dance.

Yours in plasticy puzzlement,

Dear L.L. Bean,

I like your clothes. Honest. Yes, they’re a bit, um, practical and kind of lacking in zip and pizzazz, but they’re functional and sometimes, that’s what I need. Hell, MOST of the time, that’s what I need. I have babies. They throw up, get their sticky little paws all over me and cover me with grunge on a daily basis. I need clothes that will stand up to their molestations. And I really dig that I can return stuff that falls apart, even if it falls apart years later.

However, why can’t I buy a loden green sweater? Why is this colour reserved for men only? Look at it. It’s lovely. It would look fantastic on me. But no, it only comes in men’s sizes. The same holds true for your marine-blue turtleneck and your charcoal grey long-sleeved tee. Only available for men.

I’m not a man. I have boobs (boy, do I have boobs). I have (somewhat) of a waist and I have hips. I don’t like wearing men’s clothing. It makes me look even boxier than I already look. I’d like things that flatter what little shape I have, not that make me look like a big block.

Also, why can’t I get a sweater in a v-neck? Don’t you watch What Not To Wear? Don’t you know that a v-neck elongates you and makes you look taller and thinner and all those things that I strive for? I think you’re missing a huge opportunity here. Women like v-neck sweaters. Honest, they do.

I’m hardly a fashionista, but I think you’d be well-advised to get someone on your staff that could maybe drag you into the 21st century. Some men like to wear pink shirts. Some women like to wear charcoal grey. You should work on that. Don't make me start shopping at Land's End. I'd lose my New England cred.

Yours in fashion confusion,

Dear Leslie and/or Karen, an Inmate At The Hampster County Jail,

My name is not Sandra Provost. I do not know a Sandra Provost. I don't know anyone who knows Sandra Provost. I'm sorry you're in jail and all, but stop calling me collect. You've called me 86 times in the last three days. I won't, on the 87th time, say "Oh my god, I DO know Leslie and/or Karen at the county jail," and accept the charges.

Yours in law-abiding-ness,

Dear Blogger,

Just fucking WORK, would you?

Yours in pissed off-edness,


Kerri. said...

Julia, my brother was freaking out over the Britney/KFed crap on CNN. "It's a big, bold headline, Ker! That's not news. When did t his become news!!" His rant went on for quite some time. Last I knew, he was on the phone with CNN, bitching.

And I was watching a co-worker of mine struggle with blogger yesterday. It was being an enormous bitch. Kept tossing the profile column underneath the posts for NO GOOD REASON. Blogger bites sometimes.

art-sweet said...

I love it when you do these letters.

Shannon said...

The best is when the news refers to the tabloids as a credible source "According to Star magazine, Whitney Houston sold her crack house for $1.5 million..."

Joe sucks

Playtex rules

floreksa said...

I too love your letters and also share your disdain for Joe....

Beck said...

OHMIGOD, did Britney finally leave that loser?
Um, I mean... yeah. Not news.
I had quite the little crush on Steve back in the day - he was the only man I'd see for hours and hours. Oh Steve... how I miss what we had between us.
And I totally want an LL Bean Loden Green v-neck sweater. Make it happen!

Major Bedhead said...

Beck, are you channelling Tim Gunn?

If not a mother... said...

You should have seen the company-wide e-mail discussion about Britney & Kevin. PUKE.

I am getting really tired of blogger. Maybe once NaBloPoMo is over, I'll go ahead and make the move elsewhere.

And I LOVE YOUR LETTERS. You may have given me Friday's format...

Tekakwitha said...

cnn: you and me both

keep those letters coming!


Erin said...

LMAO! Great letters!

I'm so with you on the Playtex sippy cups - they are the best!

Block that chick from the jail from calling, what is up with that???

graymama said...

ROTFL! Thanks! I needed that!

Steve was HOT! Joe is a dork, and not the sexy kind.

I am a Nuby cup girl. They are cheaper than playtex and there are 3 types to choose from: soft spout, hard spout and straw.

Blogger SUCKS!

LJ said...

This was way funny. What a way to cheer up a grey Wednesday!

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Gah, I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday when reading! The most popular stories were Election, Election, Election, Brit divorcing K-Fed, Election, Election. WTF?!

Sharing your hatred of Joe, Avent cups and Blogger,
Mrs. C

Jess said...

How did the election go in your neck of the woods?

K-Fed - Honestly, are people that uninterested in politics? Bubble brain and bubble butt are more important than who's going to run the country??

Washington Crunchy Mama said...

Oh how I love your letters!

We threw all sippy cups to the Goodwill because I got so pissed off at the frustration of A: having all of the parts for all of the brands and B: The *&%$# LEAKS.

Might as well let her dump it directly on the highchair tray. Sigh.

OhTheJoys said...

Amen, amen.

(I threw all my Avent Sippy Cups in the garbage.)

Sarah said...

HAHAHAA, I don’t like Joe either, and I’ve always had a major kind of secret crush on steve…Steve oh Steve.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Great stuff J! Rock on sister!

I too like Steve better - but not because I had a crush on him or anything like that...

I was just glad when my kids stopped watching Barney vids. They lead to premature greys for parents. So. F'ing. Annoying.

Anonymous said...

Awesome list!

I agree--Steve is so much cooler (and cuter) than Joe, and what's up with the whole singing clues thing? I hate that. Go back to the original format! If I have to watch this stuff, at least make it not make my ears bleed!

The Playtex sippy cup rules!

Hey, Brit is finally divorcing that slacker? Not before giving his career a huge boost, tho--who would have ever wanted to listen to him rap if it wasn't for her? But you're right--on election day, that shouldn't have been the lead story!

Sandra Miller said...

Letters-- Fabulous!

Blogger-- Not so much.

And Joe-- just plain sucks.

Zazzy said...

I hope you sent some of these letters. Hey, I get ignored some of the time. My favorite clothing company is suddenly making pants I have to cut 5 inches off and hem. 5 inches! And they have ignored me. But swiffer sent me a check for $13 when I wrote them to tell them what a piece of crap that stupid carpet flick is.

And they got rid of Steve?