Thursday, July 02, 2009

The Wedding

My oldest got married last Saturday. I was in a dither about it because it seemed like it was going to be a bit of a disaster, but it turned out beautifully.

Alex, having a minor freak out just before the ceremony.

Alex and Kristin (and yes, I know, he looks like a gangster in that suit.)

Awwww....

Alex danced with O and it was the only time I got teary.
They danced to this:



*sniffle*




And this is O. I'm so screwed.

The food was fabulous. If anyone needs a caterer in the New England area, Blue Ribbon BBQ, in West Newton, MA, is awesome. Best wedding food I've ever had and the prices are more than reasonable. The day was lovely, warm and sunny, everyone was relaxed and Alex and Kristin looked deliriously happy, which is all that matters.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 10:05 AM 20 comments

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Overinvolved

A few years ago, O freaked herself out on MySpace by talking to some random guy, giving him her address and phone number before realizing that she was in over her head. We talked about it and I told her that I was going to be checking out what she was doing when she was online. Mostly she chats with friends on Meebo and listens to the Jonas Brothers (incessantly) on YouTube, but she also set up a Facebook account. I helped her, made her profile private and told her not to put any pertinent information on there. She doesn't use her real last name on there, so I feel pretty comfortable that she's safer there than she was on MySpace.

Just about every day I check her page. I log in under her name to see what she's doing on there. It's mainly quizzes - and holy Hannah, Facebook has an assload of quizzes - but she also talks to a few friends. She also has some of her friends' mothers on her friend list, which is fine, for the most part.

Something recently caught my eye, though. O had been dating this boy, Jay, for a few months but they recently broke up. I'd met the boy, he was very nice, polite and pretty talkative with me, which is unusual for any 14 year old, never mind a 14 year old boy. The two didn't get to see each other that often because he lives a few towns over, but they talked on the phone and would get together for the movies or to go to the mall, usually with a bunch of friends. I liked it that way because I think dating when you're in the 8th grade shouldn't be this big, serious thing.

Since the breakup, O's friends have pretty much all dumped her, too. Last night, while looking thru O's Facebook page, I noticed that Jay's mother had updated her status to announce that her son has a new girlfriend. Said new girlfriend is O's former best friend. In the comment, she said she was "so excited for her son and his new girlfriend" and that she was "the one."

I find this all to be really weird. I like to be informed of who O is dating, what's going on with her friends and all that, but I have no desire to broadcast every argument, event or change in her dating status to the world via Facebook. I think that 14 years old is far too young to say that someone is "the one" for someone else and I don't get being excited about this. I also find it a bit cruel that she posted this to Facebook, knowing that O would be able to see it.

A lot of O's friends' mothers seem to get super involved in all these teenage dramas, to the point that they're IMing her, castigating her when there's a falling out or just gossiping with her. I have stepped in when O's been bullied in school but I would never chat with one of O's friends about anything like that and I certainly wouldn't castigate one of them because of boyfriend issues or an argument. I don't want or need to meddle that much in her life.

Am I nuts? Is this weird or do those of you with teenagers do this routinely? Or does my daughter just know some really immature women? Because to me, this seems very immature.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 8:34 AM 27 comments

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Some Randomness....

...because I just realized how long it's been since I posted. Jeez.

  • See that sparkly badge over there in my sidebar? I just signed up for my first ever BlogHer party. Let the freaking out commence. The closer I get to actually getting on the plane and going to this thing, the more I feel like throwing up. The sane part of my brain knows that it will all mostly be fine, but the majority of my brain is not sane and it's running like a hamster on speed right now, worrying. Gah. I may need to get some Xanax or something so I don't hurl all over the first person I meet. Or maybe I'll just do like The Bloggess and spend most of my time in the bathrooms.
  • After many long conversations with my son, where I breathed deeply and chose my words carefully, he has agreed to have this wedding catered. It's just too tacky for words to invite 70 people to your wedding and then expect them to bring their own food. Now if I can just convince his dad that pee buckets are a really bad idea, it'll be all good. Pee buckets. Christ on a cracker. I swear to god, I did not raise this child this way.
  • I have somehow managed to screw up my knee. A couple of weeks ago, I missed the bottom step when I was coming down the stairs in the morning (I really need to move the coffee maker upstairs) and fell hard. I bruised both knees and my toenail on one foot is almost completely black but the knee just started hurting last night. Very odd and very painful. Have I mentioned that this getting older thing is bullshit? Complete and utter bullshit. Especially when my much younger husband said "Well, you don't heal like you used to, you know." Thanks, darling. So sweet.
  • I've started taking a vitamin B complex supplement and it really seems to be helping with my energy levels. The first couple of days I felt like I was on speed, I got so much done. That's tapered off somewhat, but I still have much more energy than I used to. Until this knee thing sidelined me, I was going like gangbusters most days. It's nice. Although it hasn't improved my blogging abilities, apparently.
  • And finally, I've had this song stuck in my head for days, so I thought I'd try to purge it by sharing it with you.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 4:57 PM 6 comments

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Don't Need To Walk Around In Circles

Another fucking argument with That Canadian Boy I Married about depression and what I can do to fix it. The $65 co-pay for Cymbalta will throw a massive wrench into our already-precarious finances but the depression is taking an even bigger toll.

His answer, after telling me he didn't think he needed to feel any sympathy or understanding for me, was that I should re-try all the anti-depressants I've already tried and already had documented reactions to - for some reason, he seems to think that my body chemistry will have changed and I won't have the same reactions to those drugs now. Mr. fucking physician, I guess.

These arguments leave me so drained. He doesn't get it, doesn't see the need to get it and honestly thinks I should just be able to say "Hey, self, stop feeling that way" and I will be fine. If only it were that easy. I try to explain it to him, try to talk to him about it and he just placates me by telling me that he understands. But then we have another one of these arguments and his true feelings show. He doesn't want to discuss it with a professional; he doesn't see the point.

I don't tell him a lot of what I'm feeling because of this. Of the times I flirt with taking the whole bottle of over-the-counter sleeping pills, of the wish that I could just go bat-shit crazy and be done with it. I know that he'd leave if I did go nuts. And while I'd survive that, I wouldn't survive him probably trying to take the kids away, which I'm sure he'd want to do - and it would be kind of understandable.

So I told him I'd make the damned phone call to the damned doctor and talk to her about it. I'm 99.9% sure that there's nothing new out there, that I've tried them all, but whatever. If it will shut him up and get him off my back, I'll do it. If that's the only way I can justify the $65 a month, so be it.

It pisses me off, though, this constant need of his to piss and moan about the cost of prescriptions for something he doesn't deem real. These are the times that I wish I could just swap bodies with him for a day, so he could live inside my head and see what a muddled mess it is in there, so he could see how I really feel most days, how difficult this is to handle without medication. Maybe then he might muster some of his nearly non-existent sympathy for what I'm going through.


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Posted by Major Bedhead at 3:25 PM 19 comments

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm Not Becoming A Food Blogger, I Swear

Shepherd's Pie (for Wendy)

2 lbs ground beef
1 large or 2 small onions
Mushrooms, if you have them, sliced
Salt & pepper
Worcestershire sauce
A1 sauce
2 1 lb bags of frozen corn (or fresh, if it's in season)
4 or so lbs of russet potatoes, peeled and cut into approximately 1" pieces
1 head of garlic, if you want roasted garlic mashed potatoes on top
1 stick of butter
Milk

If you want roasted garlic in your mashed, start the garlic first. Preheat oven to 350. Peel as much paper off the bulb as possible and slice off the top. Put in a small oven proof dish and pour in enough olive oil to reach halfway up the bulb. I use a small Pyrex bowl for this. Bake for 45 minutes, until garlic is soft. Allow to cool before removing cloves with a paring knife. Restrain yourself from smearing it all over the nearest slice of Italian bread and wolfing it down....

Chop onions into small pieces and saute with sliced mushrooms in 2 tablespoons olive oil and 2 tablespoons butter, until caramelized - do not burn them, or it will get ugly. Remove from pan.

Brown ground beef with salt and pepper. I usually add a couple of tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce and a couple of tablespoons of A1 sauce to the meat - taste it as you go and adjust according to your taste. If the beef gives off a lot of grease, spoon most of it off. Don't dump it down your sink or you will have a big mess.

Stir onions and mushrooms into the beef and then transfer to a 13 x 9" Pyrex dish.

Top with 2 small bags of frozen corn.

Boil potatoes until they can be split by a fork. Drain and return to pot. Add about a stick of butter (did I mention this is not a low-fat, low calorie recipe?), salt to taste (potatoes need a lot of salt), a splash of milk and the roasted garlic (mash it up with a fork first). Whip with a hand mixer until there are no lumps. Try not to eat too many of the potatoes before topping the pie.

Spoon on to top of the corn and bake in a 400 oven until the potatoes are golden brown and delicious. Eat.


Posted by Major Bedhead at 6:36 PM 6 comments

Not Entirely Unexpected

My son A is 20 and I don't discuss him often on here because, most of the time, there isn't much to talk about. He works full time, he lives with his girlfriend, he doesn't drink, his major vice is buying toys - a flip video camera, a Wii, an X-Box, a Garmin - typical young man stuff to buy.

About six or seven weeks ago, however, he told everyone that he and his girlfriend were going to get married. In June. And everyone asked "Is she pregnant?" but we were all assured that no, she wasn't.

No surprises, but yeah, she is.

I can barely wrap my head around it, let alone talk about it. Financially, they aren't all that secure. She works for a fast food restaurant and he works in a warehouse - their jobs are steady, but they don't pay well at all. She makes less per hour than I did when I had A 20 years ago.

I have so many concerns about this situation. I do not think they'll be bad parents, far from it. But I do worry about how financially stable they're going to be. It's nerve-wracking not having enough money; we're still having trouble catching up some months. I don't want A going thru that same thing, I want better for him.

And selfishly, I am not ready to be a grandmother. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was worried that I might be pregnant (which, given that That Canadian Boy I Married has been snipped, is highly unlikely, but 10 days late is 10 days late). And now my son's going to have a baby. It's fucking with my head. And yeah, yeah, I know, I'm being self-centered. This is pretty much the only place I can be like that, though. Here and the therapist's couch and boy, did she get an earful last week.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 8:55 AM 15 comments

Friday, May 08, 2009

Hip Mamas

There are these women whose children go to the same preschool as Boo. They intimidate the hell out of me. They're very nice and very cool, in that casual, crunchy way that is so prevalent out here. They wear cool skirts and have funky haircuts and seem to have it all together. I realize this is probably an illusion, but still. I don't know them well enough to hear their tales of woe, so, to me, they're scary-together.

I see them hanging out after pick up, talking, arranging play dates and what have you and I know if I made a little bit of effort, I'd at least be included in the conversation. But I never do. I smile, I say hello, exchange a couple of sentences and then I scuttle to my car with the girls, mentally berating myself for not being more outgoing, for not trying harder. For being an idiot. Because the other part of my brain, the one that tells me what a dork I am, how much of a loser I am, always takes over at that point. Why would anyone want to include me? What if they didn't, what if they just clammed up when I tried to join in? What if they were just waiting for me to leave so they could make their plans? What if they don't really like me?

That's the crux of it right there. I'm pretty convinced that most people I know casually don't really like me. Sometimes, even people I do know well give me that feeling. I let every rejection eat away at me, dragging up crap that happened in high school, in college, and picking at it until it hurts again, convinced that all those people were right, that basically, I'm unlikeable. I hate that my mind goes down those paths. I wish I knew how to get it out of them.

So I'm wary. I'm afraid to make friends with people I meet, afraid that they'll turn out like everyone else, that they'll leave too. I wall myself off behind snark and sarcasm and a pose that I'm above it all, when really, I just want to be included. More than included. Valued. Appreciated for who I am and what I can offer as a friend. And yet, I'm too afraid to try.

Yes, I'm in therapy. Yes, I'm trying to work on this, but I feel so stuck on this one thing. How do you just get self-confidence? How do you not second- and third-guess every action you take? I'm not sure if it's even possible, but I need to try, before I really go bat-shit crazy.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 12:04 PM 24 comments

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Doin' The iPod Shuffle

Swiped from George, because, hey, if you can't steal from your friends, who can you steal from?

Put your iPod (or music player of choice - I did mine thru iTunes) on shuffle and list the first 20 songs that come up.

1. Stay (Far Away, So Close) - U2 (I'd forgotten about this song. Lovely lyrics - Red light, grey morning, you stumble out of a hole in the ground)

2. Hungry Heart - Bruce Springsteen (Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!)

3. R.E.M. - Losing My Religion (lost it a long time ago....)

4. Ocean Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse

5. That's Just The Way We Roll - Jonas Brothers (good god, this band is the bane of my existence)

6. Stir It Up - Bob Marley

7. Rock Star Poser - N.E.R.D. (I have no clue how this wound up in my iTunes library)

8. Boys From The County Hell - The Pogues (I love this band. Love. Them.)

9. One Piece At A Time - Johnny Cash (Ironic, considering the state of the auto industry today)

10. Bent - Matchbox 20 (This could be my theme song. Also, Rob Thomas. *drool*)

11. Right As Rain - Adele (Fantastic album of torch songs.)

12. Uncle John's Band - Jimmy Buffett (Love this song. Haaaaate this cover of it.)

13. Man In A Suitcase - The Police

14. Aeroplane - Red Hot Chili Peppers

15. Space Intro - Steve Miller Band

16. De ja Vu - Crosby, Still, Nash & Young

17. Hey Tonight - Creedence Clearwater Revival (Jeez, after these last three, I feel like we should all be sitting around getting baked, eating brownies and pop rocks. What? Isn't that what college was for? No?)

18. It's A Shame About Ray - The Lemonheads

19. Street Fighting Man - Rage Against The Machine

20. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley (Great. So I can cry at the end of this meme.)

Posted by Major Bedhead at 11:11 PM 6 comments

Second Verse, Same As The First

Hey, look! A blog post.

Wake up around 6:30.

Stumble downstairs and make a pot of industrial strength coffee.

Dress the Shriek Sisters.

Move dry clothes to a basket, move wet clothes to the dryer, put in another load of laundry.

Mediate fight #1 between the Shriek Sisters.

Fold the dry clothes.

Think about taking a shower.

Brush teeth.

Try to unclog the bathroom sink that I've been after the husband to fix for the last couple of weeks.

Mediate fight #2 between the Shriek Sisters.

Take the trash to the curb that the husband forgot to take when he left at 7 a.m..

Take the recycling to the curb that the husband forgot to take when he left at 7 a.m..

Mediate fight #3 between the Shriek Sisters.

Find the socks that the Shriek Sisters lost in one of their fights.

Find shoes for the Shriek Sisters.

Sign permission slip for O's trip next week.

Find money for O's trip next week.

Find jackets for the Shriek Sisters.

Pour industrial strength coffee into the only travel mug the husband hasn't swiped. He hasn't swiped it because it's hot pink. It was my only defense.

Load the Shriek Sisters into their car seats.

Drive O to school. Drink industrial strength coffee. Curse stoplights. Answer 8.7 million questions from the Shriek Sisters.

Come back home.

Feed the Shriek Sisters breakfast.

Feed the dog and cat.

Move dry clothes to basket, move wet clothes to dryer, put in another load of laundry.

Wash a few dishes.

Mediate fight #4 between the Shriek Sisters.

Vacuum up the Cheerios that the Shriek Sisters flung at each other during fight #4.


And it's only 8:15 a.m..


My days continue like this, with small variations, every single day. It's mind numbing in its tedium and I feel like it's sucking what little brain power I have left. And I wonder why I can't find anything to blog about any more. This is it, this is what I have going on right now. I'm busy, busy, busy but I have nothing going on. Nothing of interest, anyway.

I'm getting to the point of fantasizing about quiet places, places where no one asks me anything, where no one needs me for anything, where I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Not for forever, just for a couple of days. I told my husband the other night that my ideal vacation right now would involve a hotel room with a big bath tub, a comfortable bed and a stack of books. I would sleep and read and make the occasional foray out for food and a bit of a walk around and that would be it.

I really need a break. Or something. I'm spending too much time wishing too many things away, wishing that the girls were in school full time, wishing that I could get a full-time job during the day so that I wasn't sitting here, feeling guilty about the state of things here, the chaos and the mess and the boredom. I know that things will be different in a couple of years and then I'll probably miss some of this time that I have at home with them, but right now, while I'm in it, I'm having trouble seeing the end of it. It's disheartening, to say the least.

Posted by Major Bedhead at 8:03 AM 11 comments