Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Wanted: Peace of Mind
After reading Julia's, Lauralu's and Sandra's blogs and crying all over the place about them, I'm officially a paranoid mess.
I lost a baby a little over 2 years ago, at 13 weeks gestation. She just died. I had an excruciating backache for three days, then some spotting and when I went to the doctor, they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had a D&C two days later. I never got a reason, just a "Sometimes these things happen." And the rational part of my brain knows that, but my heart still can't really accept it.
I spent the first 20 or so weeks of my pregnancy with Isobel being a complete basket case. I was petrified all the time and was positive that every twinge and ache was the beginning of another loss. Even after I passed the 13 week mark, I was still a wreck. I didn't relax until she was actually in my arms.
And now I'm scared again. I don't have a real reason to be - there are no symptoms of anything going on, nothing seems weird, I can feel the baby moving around, and yet I'm making myself sick with worrying. What the hell is wrong with me? Have I become so adept at expecting the worst that I'm incapable of thinking the best will happen? Is it because I have a streaming head cold? Am I just hormonal? Is it because this baby is due 2 years to the week that the baby I lost was due? Did I not grieve enough at the time? That's impossible; I cried buckets then. I still cry about it, I still think about the little girl I never got to meet.
Whatever it is, I wish it would stop, because I hate feeling this way. I hate the feeling of dread and doom. I hate trying not to get too attached to this baby, just in case. It's a horrible, morbid way to live.
I need to still the mad scrabbling in my mind.