Sunday, August 13, 2006

Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.

Ugh. I'd forgotten the rollercoaster ride of hormonal emotions that happen right after you have a baby. I am a weepy mess.

This morning, I was in the living room, holding The Bug while The Boo rocked in her little chair. "Light Up My Room" by BNL was playing and we were all swaying back and forth to the music. The sun was streaming thru the windows and for one blissful moment, everything was perfect. Then The Beach Boys "God Only Knows" came on and wham! I looked at my two girls and just lost it.

I remember feeling this way right after my other children were born, too. I'd look at that little sleeping face and my heart would just ache and I could barely breathe. It's overwhelming, that love for a child. And it hurts. No one ever told me how much it would hurt. No one told me how ferocious I'd feel about these little creatures, how much I'd worry and obsess and fah-ha-ha-reak out over them.

But I do. I constantly check that The Bug is still breathing. That's my biggest fear right now. I'm such a mess that just the thought of it can make me sob. It's awful. It's not very healthy, but for the moment, I'm chalking this freaking out-edness up to hormones.

I never wanted kids. Really, I didn't. Sounds funny coming from someone with four (holy crap! Four!) kids, but it's true. I got pregnant with A and was prepared to give him up for adoption. I thought it would be the best thing to do, for him and for me. I wasn't married, his dad was not really there and I didn't think I could raise a child by myself. But then he was born and it was like being punched in the gut. I remember the day I was released from the hospital, walking down that hallway with him in his little bassinet and leaving him in the nursery with the social worker. I still don't know how I managed to walk out of that place. It's all a blur. I don't think I've ever had to do anything that difficult. I really thought that I was going to die from the pain of it. I went home and cried for three days and then called the social worker and told her I'd changed my mind. The longing I had to keep him was incredible. I just wanted him - I didn't care that I didn't have much money, I'd figure it out. I hung up the phone and ran out to buy baby stuff and three days after that phone call, I got to pick him up. It was like someone put back the piece of me that was missing.

It's never changed, either. Each child finds their own little space in my heart and makes a warm and cozy nest there. Each time, I wonder why I've let myself become this way, this raw and exposed to the possibility of pain should something, anything, happen to them. Why I've decided to sentence myself to a life time of worry and concern and vulnerability. Don't get me wrong - they are worth it. So, so worth it. But still, there's this part of my brain that says "Why? Why would you do that to yourself?" And I can't really answer it. I wouldn't trade it for anything, I'd do anything to protect my children, but that person who's still inside me, that person who never wanted kids, is still there. And she wonders what the hell happened.

15 comments:

Cat, Galloping said...

wow, that must have been some experience, when you had A. it's hard to imagine what you went through.

for the breathing thing, i cannot recommend highly enough the angel care motion sensor monitor. it is a real sanity saver, worth its weight in gold.

Rachel said...

awww. you have now put the woman who is "never having kids" (but also currently around ovulation) into a hormonal rampage. Okay, I was already there, but now it's just been touched off a little more.

daysgoby said...

Beautiful, J.

I have a lump in my throat now.

Pim said...

My nurse asked me last visit if I wanted to be put on medication for postpartum after the birth.. I responded very quickly with a YES! I just know I'm going to fall apart. I can feel it creeping in already. I know the day and time she will be born (i just can't put it in my blog) and its like this build up of emotion like all the water behind the CO river dam waiting to explode. Hope you dont mind that I linked to you on my site.
Take care hun!
Elizabeth

Fidget said...

i can remeber sobbing uncontrolably over the perfectness of teh world right after both girls. The difference was with number 1 i went from checking to make sure she was breathing to being convinced that if i let her sleep in the other room that our house would burst into flames. I wish I had gotten help. The second time around after the initial surge of crazy hormones was sweat out I was fine, that was actually when i realized how exactly bad off I had been with number 1

Angela said...

I know what you mean. I am always scared that something is going to happen to one of my children.

I never ealized it had went that far with A. What a difficul and heartbreaking experience you went through.

{{HUGS}}

Candy Minx said...

Congratualtions on your beautiful family Julia. I hope you can focus on getting some protein and lots of vegies as that will help ease stress and depressing thoughts too, okay? Like salmon or steak!

I loved reading the last few posts about your new baby and was very touched.

You also have a gorgeous blog, I love the colours and design beautiful!

I was so happy to see that you had visited Pim's blog earlier tonight after her concerns about C-Section and breastfeeding. It was very inspiring for me to see that kind of support and immediate response you gave to her.

Very nice to "meet" you and take care,
cheers
Candy
http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/

Laura said...

you are a fantastic writer.
So glad that everyone is healthy and happy. Well.. except for Boo. She will come around.
Take care of yourself!

graymama said...

((((julia}}}}

I am the mama who always thought she would have at least 3 children, but now after just one, I feel finished.

Jamie said...

((((HUGS)))) I've been there - and it's especially heightened after the birth of a child - those darned hormones!!!

I've had the same thoughts as you too, especially after having a child with Type 1 - not that I would trade her for ANYTHING in this entire world, but there's this part of your brain that says "See??? Look at how much more worrying and pain this one is going to cost you!!"

*sigh* - I love my kids more than anything in this world - and what you're feeling is what the rest of us moms feel when we have a baby.

Motherhood really does change you.

Kelsey said...

I once read a quote that said: "Being a parent is like having your heart walk around the world in someone else's body." Or something like that!

Seems to sum up what you're experiencing.

Joke said...

It--in a different way, sure--even happens to dads.

AMHIK.

-J.

Andrea said...

Ah yes, the heart on the outside thing. We open ourselves up to such pain that first time because we just don't know any better.

But like you said, they are so so worth it. Crazy hormones and all. That's what makes us go back for more. I'm ready to start trying for #2, and part of me is all, "Wha? Why would you wanna do that? Psycho woman."

Kerri. said...

Oh Julia. What a perfect post. I can't wait to experience motherhood and feel that euphony of emotions.

CPA Mom said...

Me too! I said I would NEVER have kids. Now I have two and know what it means that my heart now lives outside of my body.