Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Bitch

I've been a royal bitch lately because I've been so down and anxious and feeling all kinds of yucky feelings and I don't know what to do about it except to whine here.

  • I'm terrified of labour. You'd think, being my fourth time, it'd be a walk in the park, but I'm petrified. When I had O, it was awful. The epidural needle moved into my spinal fluid and I stopped breathing. I had to be bagged and I had to have a c-section and it freaked me right the fuck out. One of my biggest fears is drowning and that's what that felt like. When the Boo was born, my labour was fairly uneventful, but the pushing part was long. Over an hour. Her head was sideways, her shoulders got stuck and her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times. It took 10 minutes for them to get her to cry. Scared the shit out of me. So, yeah. This one has me worried, too.
  • I'm so hot. I know, it's hot everywhere and everyone is miserable and I should just shut up because at least I have fans and curtains to shut and I don't have to be outside in this, but I'm just miserable. I'm sticking to myself and it's gross.
  • I'm really afraid of what it's going to be like when I get the new baby home. I feel so disconnected from her, like she's not real. When I was pregnant with the Boo, I was dying to meet her. This time? I'm kind of dreading it. Not the meeting her part, that part I'm looking forward to, but the whole managing everything part. I'm so bad at this mothering thing. I lose patience so easily and I scare myself sometimes. I've never hit my kids, but I've yelled. A lot. And I hate myself when I do it. I hate the look on Boo's face. It makes her cry, it makes me cry and I feel so guilty that it makes me physically sick. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to cope with this, that I will just become this bitter, resentful bitch of a mum whose kids and husband can hardly stand to be around her.
  • I'm being awful to TCBIM. He doesn't have any tolerance for emotions and loses patience with me, so to prevent my crying and depressed side from showing, I'm being a nag. And I hate that. He can be a jerk, but he's not always that bad. And most of the time we get along well - I complain about him here because it's where I vent. I think, sometimes, that I make him out as an ogre, but he's not.
  • I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. TCBIM and my mother just roll their eyes, as if to say "There she goes again." I said something to my midwife about it and she suggested I see a counselor. Which is good advice, but how do you see a counselor when you have three kids in tow? TCBIM can't watch them because none of the counselors have evening hours.
I wish I could shut this stuff off. I hate feeling like this. It's like birds trapped in my brain, scrabbling frantically to get out. Sucks.

6 comments:

Kat said...

I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. You know my #...and I am always available to vent to! (and I'm free!)

As a recently recovered hormonal maniac...I can attest that you WILL feel better soon.

You are a great mom (and a dear friend to me)! I, for one, know you are a lot stronger than you think you are right now.

I love your blog! It keeps my sanity here at work! Call me ANYTIME!
Love ya'
Kat (Space Monkey)

LauraJ said...

bitch away. that's what the blog is for. if there was a bitchfest i'd dub you master of ceremonies. you have that right and you earned that crown.
now keep writing it all out to us weirdo friends and we'll listen, hug and be all mushy to try to cheer you up. big big big hugs!!

graymama said...

{{{{julia}}}}

Please bitch/vent/cry/scream whatever you need to do! We are here to listen, give a shoulder to cry on, give hugs, and celebrate the happy stuff, too.

You are so strong to be aware of your fears and frustrations and voice them. Having fears about labor is natural, especially if you have had some challenging/traumatic birth experiences. I facilitate a birth healing group. The women who were very afraid to give birth in subsequent pregnancies said that it helped so much to air those fears. Talk, talk talk!!! Get those fears and frustrations off of your chest before this baby decides to make an appearance, so that you will not carry those thoughts/feelings into labor with you.

You could check out Birthing From Within teachers in your area that do birth processing workshops. I did one and it helped me heal so much!

Also, after the birth could some of your friends agree to make you meals? When one of the mamas in my playgroup has a baby, we sign up to make her family healthy meals every other night for 2-4 weeks. Are there people who could do this for you?

Gosh, I am rambling now, but please always know we are here for you! :-)

Rachel said...

yay for bitching!

(btw, did you have a VBAC with Boo?)

art-sweet said...

I wish I were closer.

I'd make you some kick ass tofu casseroles.

I think birth is some scary ass shit. I hope it happens soon (so you can be in the a/c hospital) and easily.

big hugs and much love

Kerri. said...

You actually came up in conversation last night (first about what fantastic articles you provide on a regular basis for Exist and then about how we are waiting for the good news about the new little baby birth), so we're thinking of you from our Hot Hot Heat apartment in CT.

Vent as you see fit. I'm listening and nodding in agreement/consolement the whole while. :)