- I'm terrified of labour. You'd think, being my fourth time, it'd be a walk in the park, but I'm petrified. When I had O, it was awful. The epidural needle moved into my spinal fluid and I stopped breathing. I had to be bagged and I had to have a c-section and it freaked me right the fuck out. One of my biggest fears is drowning and that's what that felt like. When the Boo was born, my labour was fairly uneventful, but the pushing part was long. Over an hour. Her head was sideways, her shoulders got stuck and her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times. It took 10 minutes for them to get her to cry. Scared the shit out of me. So, yeah. This one has me worried, too.
- I'm so hot. I know, it's hot everywhere and everyone is miserable and I should just shut up because at least I have fans and curtains to shut and I don't have to be outside in this, but I'm just miserable. I'm sticking to myself and it's gross.
- I'm really afraid of what it's going to be like when I get the new baby home. I feel so disconnected from her, like she's not real. When I was pregnant with the Boo, I was dying to meet her. This time? I'm kind of dreading it. Not the meeting her part, that part I'm looking forward to, but the whole managing everything part. I'm so bad at this mothering thing. I lose patience so easily and I scare myself sometimes. I've never hit my kids, but I've yelled. A lot. And I hate myself when I do it. I hate the look on Boo's face. It makes her cry, it makes me cry and I feel so guilty that it makes me physically sick. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to cope with this, that I will just become this bitter, resentful bitch of a mum whose kids and husband can hardly stand to be around her.
- I'm being awful to TCBIM. He doesn't have any tolerance for emotions and loses patience with me, so to prevent my crying and depressed side from showing, I'm being a nag. And I hate that. He can be a jerk, but he's not always that bad. And most of the time we get along well - I complain about him here because it's where I vent. I think, sometimes, that I make him out as an ogre, but he's not.
- I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. TCBIM and my mother just roll their eyes, as if to say "There she goes again." I said something to my midwife about it and she suggested I see a counselor. Which is good advice, but how do you see a counselor when you have three kids in tow? TCBIM can't watch them because none of the counselors have evening hours.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I've been a royal bitch lately because I've been so down and anxious and feeling all kinds of yucky feelings and I don't know what to do about it except to whine here.