Monday, June 19, 2006

The Black Dogs

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. - Elizabeth Wurtzel



So, Saturday was our anniversary. TCBIM didn't remember it. I gave him a card, since we can't really afford presents. He hasn't done anything about it - said he was sorry on Sunday, but never even said Happy Anniversary. This goes hand in hand with not getting me anything for Mother's Day or my birthday, which was in November. I think the only reason he remembers Christmas is because of the incessant advertising, otherwise, he'd forget that, too. And it's not that I want lavish gifts, I just want to be acknowledged. I just want him to remember I exist, that I'm alive. I feel, sometimes, like I'm in a soundproof room, screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I'm getting very frustrated with him. He's taken procrastination to new heights, heights I never even dreamed of. I do the things that he says he's going to do - whenever he says he'll clean the kitchen, I know it won't happen. When he says he'll do laundry, I know I'll wind up doing it. Stuff like that I can handle. But when he says he'll move the stove into the cellar or haul a bed out of the attic because we promised to give it to someone, well, I can't physically do that right now. And it's pissing me off that he's making ME look like an irresponsible ditz when it's him that can't get his shit together. And then I wonder if it's just me, if I'm the only one feeling this way, if it's because I'm depressed again. Or if he really is being that annoying. I don't enjoy all this second-guessing myself.

I'm just exhausted and he doesn't seem to get it. He rolls his eyes at me when I ask him to do something. I'm 8 months pregnant. I'm pushing 40 years old. I'm fucking TIRED. Physically and mentally tired. And when he rolls his eyes at me, I want to rip his fucking head right off and then boil his skull and use it as a drinking vessel. The amount of rage I feel sometimes is scary.

I'm just really starting to feel like I'm in over my head, in so many ways. I started taking anti-depressants again, but they take a while to kick in and I'm really afraid I'm going to spend the next few weeks snapping at my kids and wanting to just curl into a ball and cry. So far, this staying home lark is sucking ass. I'm trying so hard to hold it together and I'm so afraid I'm going to fail spectacularly.

7 comments:

LJ said...

Big big hugs from me too!
I'd say put up a sign on your fridge, Wife on Strike! I'd say no more presents for his sorry ass for a while, and no more wifely duties. It sucks to feel so lonely like that and you are with somone too! That inconsiderate Canadian! And I'm Canadian too!!
Here are some more hugs... you won't go insane, not if I can help it. Is there a hobby you could get into instead of snapping at the kids?

Anonymous said...

Deep breath, you're going to be just fine. As one worry-wort to another, let it go. No expectations. You're a great mommy and you'll do fine with the birth and with the staying/working at home. And just think, in 7 more weeks you can have a glass (or 2...) of wine. :)
Kat

Jamie said...

Hang in there Julia! Add some hugs from me along with the others.

Men, in general, are retards - no other way to put it. It seems no matter how hard you try to get them to help you around the house, they always say that you're nagging them. What I don't get is why they can't figure out that if they do what they are asked (Hell, wouldn't it be nice if you didn't even HAVE to ask??), then you wouldn't have to repeatedly tell them (nagging, in their eyes) what needs to be done.

Ok, deep breath in .... exhale...

Like I said before - I think our dear husbands are related somehow ....

Pregnancy hormones aren't nice either - it probably isn't helping things, but given your "state" at the moment, you'd think he'd be more willing to help you out with some things .... *sigh*.

Not much longer and you'll have a new little baby around to take your mind off of him. Hang in there - I'm thinking of you.

Joke said...

We're not that bad, I promise.

-J.

If not a mother... said...

*drive-by hugs*

Andrea said...

You are going to be just fine... You've always struck me as a very strong person, and my instincts are usually right about things like that... I have no doubt in my mind that you can handle whatever is thrown your way.

We ALL have times when we feel like you, usually at a particularly vulnerable time in our lives- so it makes sense that you are feeling this way now.

For me, I have down "moments"... typically little snippits of time where I just think everything and everybody sucks, especially myself, and that I'm basicaly a failure. I swear, sometimes I really feel like a black cloud is following me around . It's so easy to get caught up in theose negative feelings and emotions. And, unfortunately, for me it turns into a full blown pity party :o(. But I do snap out of it eventually. The moment passes and I do move on.

Yes, things may seem a little scary right now, but, trust me, you'll get through this and you'll be ok!

Hang in there!

Angewl said...

You were given some great advice.

I don't know how you do it. I would have lost my freaking mind by now and probably commited some act of violence against him.

I think you are amazing. You are a terrific mom and a forgiving wife. (much more than he deserves)

You will do great. Hopefully the meds kick in soon and I do have that boot handy to put in his ass anytime you need me to!

{{{HUGS}}}