Monday, June 19, 2006

The Black Dogs

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. - Elizabeth Wurtzel

So, Saturday was our anniversary. TCBIM didn't remember it. I gave him a card, since we can't really afford presents. He hasn't done anything about it - said he was sorry on Sunday, but never even said Happy Anniversary. This goes hand in hand with not getting me anything for Mother's Day or my birthday, which was in November. I think the only reason he remembers Christmas is because of the incessant advertising, otherwise, he'd forget that, too. And it's not that I want lavish gifts, I just want to be acknowledged. I just want him to remember I exist, that I'm alive. I feel, sometimes, like I'm in a soundproof room, screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I'm getting very frustrated with him. He's taken procrastination to new heights, heights I never even dreamed of. I do the things that he says he's going to do - whenever he says he'll clean the kitchen, I know it won't happen. When he says he'll do laundry, I know I'll wind up doing it. Stuff like that I can handle. But when he says he'll move the stove into the cellar or haul a bed out of the attic because we promised to give it to someone, well, I can't physically do that right now. And it's pissing me off that he's making ME look like an irresponsible ditz when it's him that can't get his shit together. And then I wonder if it's just me, if I'm the only one feeling this way, if it's because I'm depressed again. Or if he really is being that annoying. I don't enjoy all this second-guessing myself.

I'm just exhausted and he doesn't seem to get it. He rolls his eyes at me when I ask him to do something. I'm 8 months pregnant. I'm pushing 40 years old. I'm fucking TIRED. Physically and mentally tired. And when he rolls his eyes at me, I want to rip his fucking head right off and then boil his skull and use it as a drinking vessel. The amount of rage I feel sometimes is scary.

I'm just really starting to feel like I'm in over my head, in so many ways. I started taking anti-depressants again, but they take a while to kick in and I'm really afraid I'm going to spend the next few weeks snapping at my kids and wanting to just curl into a ball and cry. So far, this staying home lark is sucking ass. I'm trying so hard to hold it together and I'm so afraid I'm going to fail spectacularly.


Trish said...

HUGS MOMMA! You wont fail I promise. You have acknowledged it, so you do have a slight handle on it.

I am not sure what to tell you about your husband. Because it seems all men are that way in one sort or another. If you nag they get difiant if you dont do anything, all the stuff you want done will pile up. I wish there was an easy solution.

I am interested in what our other blogging friends will say.

LJ said...

Big big hugs from me too!
I'd say put up a sign on your fridge, Wife on Strike! I'd say no more presents for his sorry ass for a while, and no more wifely duties. It sucks to feel so lonely like that and you are with somone too! That inconsiderate Canadian! And I'm Canadian too!!
Here are some more hugs... you won't go insane, not if I can help it. Is there a hobby you could get into instead of snapping at the kids?

Anonymous said...

Deep breath, you're going to be just fine. As one worry-wort to another, let it go. No expectations. You're a great mommy and you'll do fine with the birth and with the staying/working at home. And just think, in 7 more weeks you can have a glass (or 2...) of wine. :)

Jamie said...

Hang in there Julia! Add some hugs from me along with the others.

Men, in general, are retards - no other way to put it. It seems no matter how hard you try to get them to help you around the house, they always say that you're nagging them. What I don't get is why they can't figure out that if they do what they are asked (Hell, wouldn't it be nice if you didn't even HAVE to ask??), then you wouldn't have to repeatedly tell them (nagging, in their eyes) what needs to be done.

Ok, deep breath in .... exhale...

Like I said before - I think our dear husbands are related somehow ....

Pregnancy hormones aren't nice either - it probably isn't helping things, but given your "state" at the moment, you'd think he'd be more willing to help you out with some things .... *sigh*.

Not much longer and you'll have a new little baby around to take your mind off of him. Hang in there - I'm thinking of you.

Joke said...

We're not that bad, I promise.


If not a mother... said...

*drive-by hugs*

Andrea said...

You are going to be just fine... You've always struck me as a very strong person, and my instincts are usually right about things like that... I have no doubt in my mind that you can handle whatever is thrown your way.

We ALL have times when we feel like you, usually at a particularly vulnerable time in our lives- so it makes sense that you are feeling this way now.

For me, I have down "moments"... typically little snippits of time where I just think everything and everybody sucks, especially myself, and that I'm basicaly a failure. I swear, sometimes I really feel like a black cloud is following me around . It's so easy to get caught up in theose negative feelings and emotions. And, unfortunately, for me it turns into a full blown pity party :o(. But I do snap out of it eventually. The moment passes and I do move on.

Yes, things may seem a little scary right now, but, trust me, you'll get through this and you'll be ok!

Hang in there!

Willow said...

That sucks. I think the best advice on here is to take a deep breath and let it go. It does sound overwhelming, and (for me anyway) if you are depressed you are likely to just ruminate over how overwhelming it all is and feel trapped and suffocating under the blackness that falls on you. SO - rather than do that, erase everything from your mind and add back in only the things that matter. 1) the health of your body for your sake and baby's sake. 2) the health of your other children [you can let hubby take care of his own health for a bit here], 3) the health of your mind - take a walk every day (do you have a dog?) by yourself and just be and just breath and just try to escape it all.

As for the stuff that doesn't matter but can't be ignored. Do the laundry you need. Consider having O do her own laundry - my 3 year old helps me load and unload the washer/dryer (his idea of fun, not my crazy idea) - sure you can do her laundry sometimes (do you have other kids? i lost track...) - but if O can do what HAS to be done (say she really wants to wear something and it's dirty - empower her) - that is one less thing to worry about - plus she can help with baby clothes in a pinch later...
and I guess just try not to expect anything from your husband (that sucks and is not necessarily good advice) - but if you don't expect anything you won't be disappointed, eh? Personally I do what I can do myself and the things I ask him to do I try not to put a deadline on - I ask once - I leave a note on the fridge (or calendar if handy) and I try not to mention it again (usually). As for the things you CANNOT or SHOULD not due in your present state - people will understand. It's not the end of the world if things don't get done. If whoever needs a bed you can offer to have them help get it out of the attic anytime. It makes sense that you can't do it alone, and you can joke about the waiting time likely to ensure if your husband is put in charge of this task. Don't put so many expectations on YOURSELF either. When the baby comes you will be useless to EVERYONE (for a bit anyway) - they might as well get used to it now. :)

ALSO - this may sound cheesy - but I recommend you read "the five love languages" - it babbles on about how different people express love different ways and recieve love different ways. I expect you feel loved when you are told that you are appreciated for what you have done and what you do. (although what the hell do i know?) - the "languages" are 1) words of affirmation 2) gift giving 3) spending quality time 4) physical touch and 5) acts of kindness (or someting like that).

SO - your husband may be trying to express his love to you in a way that you can't appreciate (spending time laying on the couch while you are in the room, wanting sex) rather than ways you CAN appreciate (saying i love you , happy anniversary, let me help you with that, i did x for you ...)

anyway - for whatever this is worth... the most important thing is to take a step back and just breathe. and know that the chemicals in your body and mind are fucking with you. and that you will feel better again.

Angewl said...

You were given some great advice.

I don't know how you do it. I would have lost my freaking mind by now and probably commited some act of violence against him.

I think you are amazing. You are a terrific mom and a forgiving wife. (much more than he deserves)

You will do great. Hopefully the meds kick in soon and I do have that boot handy to put in his ass anytime you need me to!