Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Thanks...

...for all the nice comments the other day. It did help, although I am still pretty down.

I don't know if I need to change medications or if this is just me, just the way I'm going to have to live, cycling thru these crushing days to come out on the other side, tired and sad, but better. I'm afraid, a little bit, of the medications. They make me tired and fat(er) and they make me feel like I have no emotions at all. I don't like that. I want to feel happiness and joy as well as sadness. I don't want to be a zombie and some of the medications make me that way.

I skipped my last psych appointment. I didn' t mean to, but I did, and now I'm nervous about calling the doctor. I don't know why - he's a nice guy and I doubt he'll yell at me, but it's been two weeks....


TCBIM is out of town on business until Thursday afternoon. He's so seldom around that the babies haven't really noticed his absence. The last time he was home for any stretch of time was over a week ago and that was in the evening, so Boo only got to see him for half an hour. Every single day last week he worked until 7 or 8 p.m.. Saturday, he worked from 8 a.m. until 9 p.m. and Sunday, from 3 p.m. tp 2 a.m.. He's exhausted. And yesterday, before leaving for his trip, he started throwing up blood. Of course, getting him to not go on this trip was fruitless. He claims he's fine now, but I have my doubts. I've managed to get him to promise that he'll go see the doctor when he gets back, but again, I have my doubts.

He's so wrapped up in work. I know he loves his job, but really, if I were throwing up blood, I'd call my boss and tell him I wasn't going, that I needed to get this checked out. This isn't the first time he's thrown up blood either. I get so angry with him about this - his attitude is "I'd rather not know." Mine is that I rather would know, would rather get it sorted out now than wait until it becomes something serious.

Boo is worrying me, too. Her blood sugar was 158 the other day, which is a bit high. She's been peeing and drinking a ton, too. I'm going to check her tomorrow morning, before she's eaten anything, to see what she is then. Hopefully it was just a once-off thing.

The Bug is so constipated. I feel so bad for her. I've been pouring prunes down her, laced with crushed flax seed, to no avail. She grunts and strains and poops a little rabbit pellet. I don't know what else to do for her. I don't want to give her a laxitive (if they even make such a thing). Maybe mineral oil in her prunes. I tell you, if I ate the amount of prunes she's eaten, I'd have to set up camp on the toilet.

And, I cut off all my hair yesterday. I haven't had it this short since I was in the 6th grade and got a Dorothy Hamil haircut. Want to see? I can't take a picture of myself to save my life, but here you go.



Wow, that's pretty bad. Anyway. Considering my hair was almost to my waist, and then to the middle of my back, this is very, very short. I kind of like it. I think. But jesus, my face looks fat.

40 comments:

Kerri. said...

You look GORGEOUS, Julia! I haven't seen you since last March, and you look absolutely stunning. I love the new do.

Keep us posted on the Boo. I hope that was a one-time blip on the radar.

Shannon said...

Julia!! You look incredibly awesome and so much younger (and you looked pretty damned young for your age to begin with). You're so pretty. You look like a totally different person (not good or bad, just different).

How did Boo react? Did she notice?

I'm sorry about the other crap your'e dealing with :(

Joke said...

I'd get that slanty floor fixed.

-J.

bubandpie said...

That haircut is fantastic - you look wonderful. (I was going to say gorgeous, but I see it's been taken.)

Lyrehca said...

Actually, I was just thinking the same thing as Kerri--met you last March, and you look great in this shot. (Though the slanty floor comment was funny--made me laugh).

Between the blood and the Boo, I'd say keep close eyes on the kid's sugars and the man. Throwing up blood doesn't sound so good.

Christina said...

I think that's a great haircut! You look fabulous!

And yeah, meds can be difficult to get right. Have you ever tried Wellbutrin? It's an anti-depressant that doesn't cause weight gain, tiredness, or many of the other negative side effects of other ADs. It's generally my med of choice when I'm going through a period of depression.

Penny said...

Julia,

I love the hair cut!! You don't look fat at all.


Sorry about Boo's sugar, but maybe it was just a one time thing.

Oh, The Joys said...

What a pleasure to see your face! Your beautiful face!!! Hooray!

LauraJ said...

Hogwash! Your face doesn't look fat at all! This is the first time I've actually seen you!! I won't gush that your gorgeous, you'll just pooh pooh me away. Doesn't it feel free? Liberating? Wonderful? I did this very same hairct 2 years ago and I went shorter. I've been growing it ever since, with trims here and there. (I'm proud to say -or should I be ashamed of being cheap/frugal-I haven't paid anyone to trim/cut my hair in a year and a half!)

I sure hope TCBYM gets himself to a dr, ASAP. Nag the crap out of him!

Can the Boo be tested for diabetes now?

Can you try {flaxseed oil} for the Bug's constipation issues? It's healthier than mineral oil( which can prevent the body from absorbing certain vitamins and minerals. Look in the healthfood section.

Big hugs to get you through another day. You are loved, today, tomorrow and always.

LauraJ said...

sorry for the rambling and long winded comment :-S

Anonymous said...

Julia ~ the cut is amazing and you're beautiful as always. :)

My $.02 ~ I think it's time to seriously go back to work and get out of the house. Being isolated isn't helping matters and adult interaction may help. Go for the school job (I luuuurve mine) and having the Boo in daycare (even part-time) might alleviate some of your worries about doing stuff with her. Anyway, that's just my rambling opinion because I care about you.
Love, Kat

Kerri. said...

One more question: What the hell does your shower curtain say??

julia said...

Kerri - the curtain says wash, soap, shower.

Shannon - no, she didn't notice. O didn't recognize me, though.

Christina - I've tried Welbutrin, it doesn't do anything for me, unfortunately. I'm taking Paxil right now but that's not helping much either.

Laura - I have been putting crushed flax seed into her prunes. I've stopped giving her cereal. I don't really know what else to do at this point - her ped. suggested the mineral oil, but if it prevents absorption of vitamins, then I won't do that. She's just so uncomfortable.

Jamie said...

Julia! You're GORGEOUS! Seriously! I love your hair, it looks GREAT! (and trust me, you do NOT, NOT, NOT look fat in that picture, girl!)

Tell TCBYM to get his arse to a doctor NOW. Ugh - men can be so stubborn (and we never are, right?).

I hope the Boo's blood sugar was just a one time thing too.

Hang in there - I hope you start feeling better soon.

Chrissie in Belgium said...

No Julia - look again - you look beautiful! Just beautiful!

type1emt said...

Nice cut.New looks do take some getting used to..but it looks great. You look really sharp- the shorter cut complements your face, which is NOT fat,don't think that.(come to my job,and I'll show you fat)
I hope the rest of your family(and you) can get back to semi-normal soon.Crap has a way of piling up, no wonder you're stressed. I hope everything turns out ok.
Take care.

Nicole P said...

Julia, I LOVE the hair cut. So cute. You look, as everyone here has assured you, amazing.

Please keep us posted on the Boo.

Kat said...

Julie-
Another "Kat" is posting comments!??!?!?! Hard to imagine you know 2!
Anyhow...I know how stubborn men can be. I'm sure TCBYM's health is worrying you. I hope he will go to the MD.
About how you look...I've known you a loong time, and I think you look "Maaahvelous" Really, you do. I'm loving the haircut. You don't look your (our) age...and certainly are one of the most vibrant gals I know. You HAVE to be with three young 'uns to keep you running!
I hope to see you soon.
Kat (The "space-monkey" one)

daysgoby said...

Look at how lovely you are!

I agree with Kat. (Er, both of them...)

Andrea said...

Julia, you look great in that picture. Good choice for the haircut.

I threw up blood when I was three--turns out it was an overdose of baby aspirin. I took two. Tore open my stomach lining. So yeah, I'd say throwing up blood is not a good thing.

Angela said...

You look beautiful. Not fat at all. (mine is so short I look kinda butch. :( )

TCBYM needs to see a DR.

Hopefully that was a one time thing w/ Boos sugar.

They do have suppositories for the little ones. I gave mine apple juice. There is also the thermometer and Vaseline trick.

You have so much going on. Paxil is one I stayed away from due to hearing about possible weight gain. Prozac and Lexapro worked best for me. Maybe you do need a med change. You should not be feeling miserable or zombie-like. Please talk to your therapist.

Minnesota Nice said...

Sister, you look like you're about 29!
Yup, the brain meds make you feel utterly flat, like shades of gray.When I'm on them, I can't even enjoy a good cry at the movies.

julia said...

I'm going to have to start paying you guys.... Thank you. The cut is growing on me, especially after I found out that it takes about 5 minutes to look like that. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Rachel said...

LOVE THE HAIR!!!

Hang in there. Get the man to a dr. Hope Boo is just fine.

(Paxil is evil. Might be contributing to your straying from the diet. Trust me on this.)

art-sweet said...

Love. The. Hair.

Love It.

And ditto what everyone else says about the face and the meds and the doctor and boo and work and etc.

bethany said...

amazing ... simply amazing. you're hair cut is gorgeous. wow!

keep smiling ... eventually the sun has to shine right?

Megan said...

I know you totally just cut off all that hair to help you in the new me contest. J/K

Seriously...I love it. You look awesome! It looks great.

(((hugs))) on all the other crap

Joke said...

Yeah, but the floor is still slanty.

-J.

Lara said...

you're so pretty! dang girl, i had no idea! (not that i thought you were ugly or anything, i just hadn't thought of it really one way or the other.) i hope your family gets to feeling healthy again soon. :)

Anonymous said...

First, you are fantastically gorgeous! And no, you don't look fat in that picture!

Second, get that man to a doctor! Of course, you already knew that, but really. Ignorance is not bliss with medical issues. Hopefully it's just an ulcer or something, but even those can need some medication.

Third, hie thee to your doctor yourself and talk to him about your scripts and your desires. Like you said, he probably won't berate you for skipping the last appointment, especially if it was an accident. And maybe there's a combination of meds that, together, can give you the mood stabilizing you desire without zombification.

Fourth, I've heard dark Karo syrup can also help loosen stool. Maybe in combination with the prunes? My husband's cousin (a nurse) told me that one.

And finally, I'm also hoping Boo's funky blood sugars are just a blip and nothing more. Thinking of you (and your awesome haircut!) that things get better. I will be commiserating the absence of my husband much in the near future as he'll be in Texas every week (except weekends) for the next couple of months. God help me.

Andrea said...

Sorry, that last comment was from me. For some reason, I have problems leaving comments on your blog. This time, it substituted my name in the link to my own site as the date. Weird.

Andrea

Anonymous said...

I'd hit it!

MileMasterSarah said...

Julia,
It sounds like things have been rough over there lately. I know how hard it is to do things alone, and it sounds like you are pretty alone over there with hubby working so much. There are days that I really struggle (most days actually). I second guess everything I do, and I always beat myself up over things like my lack of patience and my near-constant yelling (not singing) voice. I too am terrible about my diet, and I’ve even consigned myself to buying size 14 jeans until I buy a treadmill and I can focus more on my exercise. Life is just freaking tough, day in day out tough. Oh, and about your face, it looks gorgeous, you don’t look fat at all. I hope you start feeling on the up and up soon, and please let us know how your Boo is doing. Such a little cutie she is.

Sandra Miller said...

Woman, I don't know what kind of funhouse mirror you've been gazing into these days, because you look fabulous!

Seriously.

And Julia, I really hope the boy gets to a doctor soon (and is fine), and that the Boo's little blip is just that.

Take care.

Cat, Galloping said...

it looks *great* and your face abso-posi-lutely does *not* look fat! You look beautiful! I wouldn't say that if it weren't true. I'm serious. I just wouldn't comment at all. You look great.

lildb said...

yes, people are sick. yes, there may be more diabetes. yes, there is blood being produced from places that should be blood-free zones. but.

you look so hot that all of the other stuff pales in comparison.

(okay, so it doesn't, really, but at least you can feel good about being such a hottie whilst dealing w/all of the evilness.)

and I know just how you feel about the feelings - and wanting to have some.

I understand you.

Sarahtoo said...

Hey there--your hair is kick-ASS! You look great! I haven't seen you in a while, but you sure look far from fat to me. Beautiful you!

A friend of mine's son had recurring constipation problems, and they always gave him prune juice (and lots of water). I know Gerber sells it in the little bottles. Maybe that'd help? Dairy products can also stop kids up, so if the Bug is eating dairy, maybe cut it out for a bit?

I'm really hoping that Boo's high sugars are a one-time thing, but I know that you'll keep a good eye on her.

And TCBYM--keep nagging him till he goes to the doctor. That doesn't sound good.

I hope you can get your meds straightened out. It sucks to feel so down on yourself!

Take care, cuz! Remember, every mom second-guesses herself regularly. You're a really good mom, and don't you forget it!

Mrs. Chicky said...

You look fabulous! It's so good to see you. I find a new hair cut is good for what ails ya.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Julia! You look FABULOUS!

Thinking of you & the famdamily, wishing you all the best.

Take care!

Deb said...

You look awesome, I love the new do! You look great!