So the diet thing? Not going so well. Want to know what I had for dinner tonight? A bowl of Doritos and a couple of Ring Dings. Lunch, you ask? Chinese food, leftover from last night. Breakfast was a couple of eggs and some bacon and toast.
I don't know why I can't do this. I have the best of intentions. For weeks, I ate egg white omlettes and carrots and fruit. And this last week, I've eaten crap. Crap, crap and more crap. And I feel horrible, so what do I do? Eat more crap.
I also bought a pack of cigarettes. *sigh* I haven't smoked in over three years. TCBIM and I got into a big fight the other night (another post, maybe) and I decided to take a walk. I walked right down to the convenience store and got a coffee and a pack of Parliaments. I only had three, but still. They're sitting there in the drawer and I know I'll probably have a couple tonight, after O and the baby go to bed.
I feel like I'm not being a very good mother, either. What the hell is it with that mother-guilt stuff? I feel like every other mother out there has their shit together, or at least more together than me. I don't take the girls out every day. I hate going out. I don't like seeing other people (because I feel like a fat slob) and I don't like the outdoors all that much, especially when it's cold out. I make myself go to play group and story time every week, but that's it. I go to the grocery store with them sometimes, but that's hardly educational or stimulating.
I let Boo watch too much TV. She's only 2, for god's sake. She shouldn't be watching so much. I should be playing with her some of that time. I do, I mean, we do play together and sing songs, but I need a break, too, some time to just sit on the couch while she putters around with Sesame Street going in the background. I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people who always had the TV on and guess what? It's always on. Always.
And let's not even get started on the state of my house. It's dirty. There are dust bunnies that could swallow a small dog. I swept the back hall for the first time in 6 weeks today. It was disgusting. Dis. Gus. Ting. My floors are gross. There is clutter everywhere.
I've been beating myself up about all of this for days. The voice in my head is vicious. It calls me names, names like fat and pig and disgusting. I don't need anyone else to tell me how awful I look, what a terrible mother I am, because I can do it to myself. I just feel like such a failure all the time, over everything I do. I can't seem to follow thru on anything, even on things that I really want, like losing weight. This sucks. Really sucks.
Why do I do this? Why do I do it to myself? I sabotage myself all the time. I second guess myself all the time. All the fucking time. I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of beating myself up and making myself feel so bad. How do I shut off that damned voice? Because I'd like to fucking shoot it right now.
I hate this.