These are my *ahem* answers to Joke's questionnaire. Hope I got them all right.
1. What is the best brand of products to preserve leather?
A little spit,some elbow grease and a dab of hair pomade.
2. My alcohoroscope shows me to be what sign?
Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine
3. What do I like to drink in those teeny tiny Petrossian glasses and what do I enjoy eating as an accompaniment?
Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine with Piggly-Wiggly brand Hot&Spicy Pork Rinds
4. What's my Myers-Briggs personality type?
Shy and retiring
5. What do I use to clean the burners of the porn grill?
Miss February's lacy underthings
6. How long did I actually have (in the physical sense) the car that sucked?
1 year, 9 months, 23 days, 4 hours, 52 minutes and 12 seconds
7. What Rat Packer am I?
8. What, in my opinion, is the worst part of living in SoFla?
All those old people who drive so fast
9. Who is the artist being honored (in absentia) at JokeFest2006?
10. How many "tuxedo-able" bow ties do I own?
Just one, but it's a snazzy green and yellow madras number
11. What is my most heretical recipe?
Pate de fois gras on homemade crostini
12. What is the title of the first book I recommended on this blog?
The Roadkill Cookbook
13. Do I consider myself a metrosexual and why or why not?
Yes, because you wear your flannel shirts tucked in to your nicely pressed Wrangler jeans
14. How many turkeys did I grill for Thanksgiving 2005?
None. You did three in your turkey fryer, though, and they were great with the Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine.
15. What did I spend 1/1/05 doing?
Installing mag wheels and a gun rack in your 1975 Dodge pickup truck
16. What scary thing did my 8 year old ask Santa for?
A three piece, worsted wool Ralph Lauren suit and a watch chain
17. What's wrong with MOST organic milk these days?
All those cows roaming free, eating grass and not getting any hormones is just wrong and goes against nature.
18. What airline couldn't get us from "here to there"
Billy Joe-Bob's Puddle Jumper Express
19. What do I call the day in which Poppy and self became pals?
The Day Poppy And I Became Pals
20. What is my medical directive to my wife/children?
Make sure they keep me alive as long as possible, so I can see every episode of Wanted Ted Or Alive on OLN.
21. What holiday was the subject of a LONG and hilarious blog entry that, sadly, Blogger ate?
The one about our trip to Dollywood and Pigeon Forge, TN.
22. How did I describe the ::cough, cough:: Cupid garden statue TFBIM got? (BONUS! What happened to that statue?)
The finest use of concrete known to man. It's sitting proudly atop the planter-thet-used-to-be-a-toilet that you have prominently displayed in your front yard.
23. Which relative vexes me telephonically the most?
Your cousin Bubba, who always calls for bail money.
24. How many times has an Italian car left me stranded?
The Kia? It's got that 100,000 mile warranty, and besides, it knows you'd shoot its tires off if it broke down.
25. What did I consider (at the time) to be better than sex?
Wings and shooters at Hooters