Thursday, January 12, 2006

Take head, insert in sand

After mulling this over for most of the week, I figured I'd put it out there for my imaginary internet weirdo friends to comment on. And I know, it's Bad And Wrong to end a sentence with a preposition. Strunk & White can bite me. Both of 'em.

I went online on Saturday morning to check my hotmail. That Canadian Boy I Married had been on there before work, so when I brought up the hotmail page, he was still logged in. I honestly didn't realize this and just clicked on the bottom email. It was a receipt from a porn site, something he'd signed up, and paid $30 for, in May. Nice.

Being the nosy person I am, I decided to look at the email in a folder marked Product Information. In it were about 15 pictures, taken with a camera phone, of a woman doing various and sundry graphic things to herself. They were all sent from a Sprint phone, from a number in West Virginia.

After a few moments of stunned shock, I called TCBIM. He claimed to not know what I was talking about. Claimed he'd never heard of the person in the pictures (K.L. Gettel, if anyone wants to know). Claimed he gave his email password to the guys at work. Claimed it had to have been one of them getting these pictures. Came home and reiterated all these things, several times. Said he didn't care that I'd gone thru his email. (Although he did say "If I had pictures like that, do you think I'd keep them?" - yeah, that's reassuring.)

So, now what? I've had my head in the sand over this all week. The pictures were dated over a one week period, last March. That doesn't mean that there weren't more, just that those are the ones that were saved. And is he really that dumb that he'd give out his email password? Seriously. I know he's not a rocket scientist, but I didn't think he'd be so fucking stupid.

On the one hand, he seems very sincere that he didn't do this, that he would never do this, that he's not that kind of person. On the other....there are those pictures. 95% of me wants to believe him, because he is a good person. Yes, he has his faults and there are days when I'd trade him for a Five Star Fruit & Nut Bar in a heartbeat, but most of the time, he's a solid, stand-up guy.

If it had been saved pictures from a porn site, I wouldn't have cared. I don't get the same thrill out of porn that he does, but I certainly don't care that he looks at it sometimes. It's not all the time and it's not an obsession. It's a normal guy thing, as far as can tell.

But now I have this little voice in the back of my head, every time he's late getting home, every time he goes out without me, every time he stays late after hockey. And I hate that voice. It took me a long time to get over the screwing over I got from my ex-husband. It took me forever to start trusting again, and it's still a slightly warped, tentative, run-away, run-away kind of trust. I think it was three or four years after we got married that I didn't start thinking "He's going to leave me" every time we had a disagreement.

But in one swift moment, I'm back in that place. Only now, I'm back in that place and I have a child with him and another one on the way. I actually started checking out apartment rental rates the other day. I don't want this to become a huge thing. I want it to be true, that it was one of the guys at work. I want to be able to continue to trust him.

It's terrifying.

9 comments:

Nicole P said...

Hmmmm...

I really don't know what to say?

I guess the question is do you *believe/trust* that he's telling you the truth now? Because if you do, then maybe you're getting worked up over nothing. Has he given you other reason to think he'd be unfaithful?

Given all of the same circumstances, I'd be inclined not to believe -- in which case, a seriously difficult and highly upleasant discussion would be in order.

But it's your decision to make, in the end. If you think he's telling the truth -- then leave it alone. If you think there's something else going on -- the truth is you won't be able to let it go and it will eventually become an issue... So it's best to deal with it up front.

Erica said...

Gosh Julia, I don't know what to say.

On a positive note, it is good that he didn't get upset that you were in his email. A major sign of guilt would have been if he tried to diffuse the situation by turning the tables and accusing you of snooping.

Was there any other info on the reciept other than his name? Part of a credit card number you could identify?

Was there actual product information in that folder in his hotmail or just porn? If it was just porn - and he didn't create the folder - wouldn't he notice a random new folder created in his account?

Perhaps his first reaction was to deny because he thought you'd be upset that he was looking at it in the first place?

I dunno, this is a toughie. I hope you guys work it out soon.

Sincerely,
Imaginary weirdo internet friend.

Red (Aus) said...

Well now I'm one of those people, like a dog with a bone, I can't let it go until I KNOW. So you have to decide what you have to do. Can you trust him and let it go? Will it niggle at you constantly from now on? Will it hit you on the head every morning when you wake up wanting to know the truth? You have to do what's best for you, and what you can live with comfortably.

If you think that you can drop it now based on what he's told you and just have the occasional niggle, then do it. The more you focus on it the more it will eat you up.
If you know you can't drop it and trying to ignore it is going to make it THAT THING in your life, then do something about it now.

If it were me, that sprint phone in West Virginia would be the place I started. I would call the number and see who answered. I'd even go so far as to ask them if they know TCBIM, and I'd go from there depending upon their answers. You said you're not worried at the commercial porn stuff and neither would I, although I'd be interested to know if the receipt was a membership or an actual purchase. The membership I can ignore, same as you, if he wants to look, it's no skin off my nose, but if it was a purchase it's whole different ball game.

My hubby, given the same circumstances could talk to me till he was blue in the face, but honey I want FACTS. Because facts I can live with and facts aren't maybes that can come back and haunt.

My best friend given the same situation would believe every word her husband told her, push it out of her mind and just move on. And I admire her for her ability to do that...sometimes.

Good luck with everything, I hope that it all works out the way you want and need it to, just remember you have to be comfortable and able to live with whatever decision you make.

Jamie said...

Hmmm, I know what I'd do in that situation, but I'm a bit of a freak - so don't take what I write to heart. I've become a paranoid person at heart over the past few years and knowing how I am - I'd probably keep digging to find out what REALLY is going on.

I'm not saying that is what you should do - I think you should do whatever it is you feel most comfortable with and are most at peace with.

I hope everything works out ok for you.

d double e said...

I honestly think whats more relevant here is not the pictures--its the issues of trust and your feelings of vulnerability in the wake of your previous marriage.

As far as the pictures are concerned, who knows. There are a million explanations and only half of them seem remotely bad... and bad depends on how you look at it.

Honestly, the discussion that needs to be had is, "I've been hurt and I'm not going to get hurt again discussion." You love him and you trust him and in this case, you have to take his explanation at his word.

You have to.

But you also have to have the discussion that follows: What I saw upset me only because of what happened in the past... and I can't be hurt again.

Then you're both clear. Its on the table.

And you move on.

Sure, this may appear to be a guy's point-of-view, but I know I'd feel angry/hurt/alone if my wife didnt take my explanation on its face... without substantial reason to question it.

-Internet freak (Dee)

julia said...

What you're saying makes perfect sense, Dee, and that's why I haven't discussed it with him since the initial discussion last Saturday. I don't want him to get upset because of my past issues.

The porn stuff I could give two shits about. I don't mind it, and even if he bought pictures online, I'd be pissed at the waste of money rather than the fact that it was porn.

I will figure out a way to talk to him without getting all hysterical and emotional (always tough for me) and just tell him how I feel and then leave it alone. We have a very good relationship most of the time and I don't want to jeopardize it by being a big freak and having a hissy fit when it's not warranted.

Nicole - he's never given me a reason to think he's been unfaithful. Not once. Not even when he was still living in Canada and I was here.

I do think that I will just move on from this, after we talk again on Saturday. And if the other shoe drops, well then, so be it.

Damn, I'm so optimistic, huh?

Red (Aus) said...

Optimism is also a good thing. You've made a decision to do what you're comfortable with, you've chosen the path that is right for you and I wish you good luck.

Ellen said...

I agree re the trust issues and the discussion that has to take place until you feel confident about the truth.

My one question is why would anyone have to give out a hotmail email address to use when anyone in one second can create their own hotmail email address?

Kerri. said...

I'm not sure what to say about this situation, but I favor honesty and optomism. Ask all your questions and trust your instincts.

And we'll be here to lean on, either way.