Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Frea. King. Out.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow. I had one last week, but for some reason, the OB wants another one. And TCBIM can't come with me because his dickhead boss won't let him leave work. Bastard.

I am, of course, a nervous, neurotic mess about this. Two years ago, on Jan 23rd, I had a misscarriage. I was 13 weeks along, had already seen the heartbeat, had started getting a bit of a tummy, had started talking about names when, one night, in the middle of the night, there was excruciating back pain, vomiting, diarreah and blood. And that was that. I had to have a D&C because my body didn't actually miscarry the baby. I was a mess after that. It only took me 6 weeks to get pregnant again, but I spent more than half of that pregnancy being worried out of my mind, terrified that something would go wrong. I spent a lot of time combing the internet for reasons why, ways to prevent it from happening again, stories of successful pregnancies after miscarriage, some shred of comfort in the howl of fear that was my life.

Tomorrow I will be nearly 12 weeks along and close enough to my miscarriage anniversary that the superstitious side of me is taking over. I'm scared to death that I'm going to get to the appointment and there will be no heart beat. Of course, today would be the day that I feel fine - no morning sickness, no headache, no nothing. Which, in my uber-freaked out brain, translates to no more baby.

I NEED to chill.

5 comments:

Jamie said...

I'm sorry you have to go to tomorrows u/s alone :( I'll be thinking of you though - crossing my fingers and sending you positive vibes that all is well.

Can't say as I blame you for being nervous about everything. I have had a horrible history of being pg, m/c'ing, etc - so I'm right there with you on being uptight about everything - and it seems that no matter how many people tell you to relax, take it easy - your mind just won't listen.

So, my advice is this: Take one day at a time my friend. And if you are having trouble thinking "happy thoughts" - I'll do it for you :)

julia said...

Thanks. Y'know, it's times like these when you REALLY need a drink but can you? Noooooooooo.

I'm going to the library tonight and getting out a copy of the Tao te Ching. Maybe that will help.

Nicole P said...

My fingers are crossed as I make a fist and knock on my wooden desk, crossing me eyes, and throwing some salt over my right -- and left -- shoulder. I look silly as hell, but I'm sending you all my good wishes.

Megan said...

Good luck Julia!

morethan said...

i just know you'll do fine. we were prego this last july and we lost the baby around 8 weeks. torture. it was awful. this pregnancy, i'm surprised that i haven't been more haunted by our past loss, but i truly understand your nervousness. read your book, drink lots of water, and kick your feet up. let us know how the u/s goes tomorrow. i just know though that you and your baby are going to be okay. hugs.