Monday, January 22, 2007
Blog For Choice
Today is Blog For Choice. You can read more about it here.
I have hesitated about putting up this post this all day, just because I'm a little concerned about the reaction I might get. I think I'll probably moderate comments, or at least disallow anonymous ones. This is a touchy subject.
I had an abortion when I was 18 years old. I was a sophomore in college and completely ...insane is too strong a term, but I certainly wasn't what anyone would consider mentally healthy. I had just ended a three-year, emotionally abusive relationship the summer before going back to college and was in a continuing love/neglect relationship with my father. I was desperate for some affection and when I met D, we just clicked. We were both fucked up and we became immediately inseperable. And then I got pregnant.
In my rational moments, I knew I was incapable of taking care of a baby. I was in school. My mother would kill me. The fact that I had smoked pot and drank like a fish in the 6 or 7 weeks before the penny dropped and I realized I'd missed my period also had something to do with it. But mostly, I just knew I couldn't handle it. I knew that D couldn't handle it. Even if we'd had a healthy relationship, instead of this desperately needy one, we were both too immature.
D and I talked about it and both decided we weren't ready. We weren't ready to start a family, we weren't ready to be that committed to each other. We didn't have the desire to have a baby. Not then. It was not an easy decision to reach. We both cried about it, talked about it endlessly, questioned ourselves and each other to make sure we were making the right decision. In the end, we agreed it would be better to not have a baby.
So I went to the clinic. It's all sort of a blur. I remember it hurting a bit and that I fainted after, but that's all I remember of the actual procedure. After was the worst. I had doubts. I had second thoughts. I cried a lot. D and I drifted apart and I quit school and moved back home for a bit. D and I talked on the phone now and again. We both sought counselling, seperately, without telling each other. Eventually, we got back together and stayed together for another two years or so. I don't regret not having a child with him, or not having a child at that time.
I do think about it sometimes, though. What my life might have been like, had I decided to have a baby. I don't think it would have been a very good life. I don't think I would have been a very good mother.
I'm glad I had the choice. It's not a decision I made lightly, which, I believe, is how it should be. Abortion should not be used as birth control. It should, however, be readily accessible and inexpensive. It should not be opposed because of religious beliefs. If you don't believe it's the right thing to do, then don't have one. But don't impose your religion on me. I firmly believe that it is a woman's choice and that the government should stay out of it.