Thursday, September 07, 2006

God Bless The Great Indoors

(Name that tune.)

This is why I don't take the girls outside more often.

  • Gather up The Bug and The Boo.
  • Get stroller out of trunk.
  • Chase The Boo, who has run into the yard.
  • Get sling out of back seat.
  • Get Bug into sling.
  • Chase The Boo, who has run into the yard.
  • Try to get The Boo to climb into the stroller.
  • Fail.
  • Heave The Boo into the stroller while trying not to drop The Bug out of the sling.
  • Sweat.
  • Find pony tail holder in car and pull hair back.
  • Adjust The Bug, who has squirmed her head out of the sling.
  • Start down the driveway.
  • Get barked at by the dog, who wants to come with us.
  • Get pelted by acorns as we walk under the neighbour's oak tree.
  • Sweat some more.
  • Fix hair, which has come out of the pony tail holder.
  • Cross road.
  • Brush bugs out of my face.
  • Brush mosquito off The Bug.
  • Brush more gnats out of my face.
  • Breath in a couple of gnats.
  • Cough profusely.
  • Sweat.
  • Get grass blown on me by Mr. Oblivious on his ride-on mower.
  • Lawn mower wakes The Bug, who starts shrieking.
  • Curse.
  • Fail to notice huge puddle, walk thru it, soaking shoes and feet.
  • Curse.
  • More gnats up my nose.
  • Get barked out by a big, scary dog, thankfully fenced in.
  • Big dog wakes up The Bug, who starts shrieking.
  • More acorn peltage.
  • Realize halfway thru walk that I reallyreallyreally have to pee.
  • Speed walk home.
  • More gnats.
  • More acorns.
  • Narrowly avoid stepping in dog shit.
  • Push stroller up driveway.
  • Get The Boo out of the stroller.
  • Chase her as she makes a break for the yard again.
  • Get into the house.
  • Get The Bug out of the sling.
  • Pray she stays asleep.
  • Pee with an audience.
  • Remove sweat-soaked shirt.
  • Put on clean shirt.
  • Collapse on couch until someone needs something - time elapsed: 27 seconds.


Mamma Sarah said...

LOL! Dn't you just hate gnats???

Anonymous said...

The Lemonheads - "I Lied About Being the Outdoor Type". Love that song, always makes me smile!

And damn the gnats!

Scott K. Johnson said...

Isn't it crazy how doing ANYTHING with young kids is a Big Major Production?

Minnesota Nice said...

J - I don't have a single clue how you do it - I only have myself to take care of and feel like it's near impossible some days.

You be careful when walking around acorns - and I'm not kidding. There was a lady in ankle rehab with me who had broken her bones by slipping on acorns in her driveway in the fall. (and also one who had slipped on mud in the spring; one who had slipped on wet grass in the summer, and then me who just sat down on the ice.....).

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Oh, my dear. Don't you love New England?

Stay indoors. It's safer and less sweaty.

Anonymous said...

Dude...I could have written this post. Just add about 10,000 mosquitoes and noseeums and 100% humidity...

Anonymous said...

I'm exhausted. nailed it.

Shannon said...

Holy shit this is the funniest post EVER!! Oh, I can totally relate....

Andrea said...

Wow. Makes my day sitting behind a desk look like cakewalk.

Shana said...

"The Outdoor Type" by The Lemonheads. One of my favorite songs EVER.

I can't go away with you for a rock-climbing weekend
What if something's on TV and it's never shown again?

Yep, that's kind of my attitude.

Joke said...

There's no point to being outdoors. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The outdoors are merely the spaces between places I'd rather be.


HVS said...

would it help to get a kid lease for the Boo?
(I mean this in a nice way-a worn out 2 year old is a good thing..) Not as a type of child abuse,dragging the kid around the neighborhood.(some parents do that)
Thank you for taking me back to fond daycare center memories.
(lining up twenty-four 3 year olds for a trip out to the playground, not the most pleasant of jobs).
Taking a kid on a walk is plain out difficult, even without the gnats/acorns/grass/other assorted unpleasantries.(maybe Oct. will be better for walks?)