Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Two days

That's how much time TCBIM is taking off when I have the baby. The day she's born and the day after. Unless, of course, she's born over a weekend. Then he won't take any time at all.

I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am. Two days? I realize that he doesn't have any vacation time, but two days? I haven't even been able to talk to him about it because I'm so upset that I know I'll just go off and get hysterical and that won't win me any points.

I don't know why I can't make him see that I need his help. Not forever, but for now. Every day, while he's at work, he calls and says he's going to do thus-and-so when he gets home. And every night, he gets home, eats his dinner and plops down in front of the tv and does exactly nothing. He might wash the dish he uses for his dinner, but no one else's and never any pots and pans. When I complain, he rolls his eyes at me. When I try to talk rationally and calmly, he says he'll do more. But he doesn't.

His big argument is that he does all the big stuff, like mowing the lawn. But the lawn hasn't been mowed in three weeks. He rushed down to Home Depot to get a screen door for the back door, but it doesn't fit properly. So it's hanging there, half open all the time and useless, because there's a huge gap and, oh, it doesn't close. He threw it in my face that he was going to be the one replacing the heating system. But the heating system, all three-fucking-thousand dollars worth of it, is still sitting in the driveway. It's not even in the cellar yet, it's in the drive, under a tarp. It's been there since May. Three THOUSAND dollars worth of stuff. Sitting there. Rotting.

The thing is, I can't do this stuff right now. I can't mow the lawn. I can't fix the door. I certainly can't hump a cast iron boiler into the cellar all by myself. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of living this half-assed existence and hearing these stupid excuses from him. I wouldn't mind doing all the housework if he was doing his bit, but he's not.

He leaves stuff everywhere. In my back yard are his golf clubs, golf shoes and hockey gear. They've been there since last night. I'd imagine they're going to be there for another week or two, getting ruined in the weather. His side of the bedroom is no better. We have a very small room. There's maybe a foot of space between the edge of the bed and the closet. It's impossible for me to get in the closet because his clothes cover the floor space. Mind you, the laundry and hamper are about three steps outside the door, but he doesn't put them in the hamper, he just leaves them on the floor. He can't even feed his own dog. I asked him to three times last night and when I got up this morning, the dog had no food and no water.

I can't get him to change his ways. I can't make him see that this is a problem, a serious problem. He's ruining things that cost money; lots and lots of money. I don't know why he doesn't see this.

It's not going to get any better once the new baby gets here, either. I'm going to have less time than I have now to get things done. And he's already said that he doesn't want to come home and immediately take over the child care. So. What do I do? How am I going to cope?

I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant. I wish we hadn't bought this house. I wish I'd kept my job and stayed in the town we were in and just left everything as it was. At least when I was working, I had his help. But now, now that I'm not working, he seems to think that I'm going to be able to do it all. I just don't see that happening. And I don't know how to make things better.


MsCellania said...

That is terribly unfair. I'm really sorry he's being selfish. Is he depressed?

And you are right; you cannot do his share of the work. Are you going to have heat this winter if he doesn't put in the heater? When dh replaced our boiler in the old house, my father got so worried he came over and helped us for a couple of weeks. It took 10 times longer than dh thought, and was 3 times more expensive.

Your job right now is to have your baby. That is what you can control. And caring for your 3 other children. Do what you can and kick the rest of the crap into piles. I have a laundry basket that I put everything dh leaves laying around (dishes,clothes, magazines, etc) and I had it to him every couple of weeks. (I rinse the dishes - ew!) He is always shocked at the amount. One of these days I am just going to throw the crap away. It's happened before.

But then, I've gotten so pissed at the never-ending construction zone that I've gone out and bought my own house, too. I wouldn't recommend doing that - it's Really Expensive in the long run.

Good luck. I bet you're in your nesting mode and not getting any help. That's hard! Drink more water, rest more. Hell with the house! You're having a baby.

graymama said...

Conserve your energy. You will be having a baby soon. My house looked awful for 3 whole months after Buddy was born, and I think everyone else I know had the same experience. I am so sorry that your hubby is not doing his share. You do not need any added stress right now!

Could you get a postpartum doula? sometimes when they are in training they don't charge anything. You could look for one here.

HTH :-) I would help more if I didn't live so far away from you.


Debbie said...

argh. I wish I could say something satisfactorily comforting, but what the eff is there to say? I do think vickee's right, though; do as little as possible, and try to turn your brain off about the stuff you simply cannot tackle.

huge hug.

SUEB0B said...

I have no advice. I just wanted to say I have had this exact same conversation ("But I do all the BIG things," "But you DON'T) a million times.


art-sweet said...

I am going to go over to your house and kick some sense into that man, right now.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap I finally got in. Blogspot's been down for me all morning.


That is just so unacceptable, julia. Do you want me to come down and breka his kneecaps? At least then he'd have an excuse for his inactivity. I would be so angry at him if I were in your shoes. Two days? TWO DAYS? (I'm shrieking like a fishwife, if you can't tell.)


Funny but true: the Dear Ellie in today's Toronto Star made me think of this. If I can get back in I'll leave you the link.

Andrea said...

I don't know what to say that others haven't already said. Maybe write down what he says he'll do, and then write down when he does it. After a few things are written, show it to him to illustrate how long it's taking him to fulfill his promises, and show him the things you've written when he said them that he's not followed through on.

As for the 2 days, just flat out tell him that's not acceptable. If he doesn't double the time on the spot, tell him not to bother and then don't talk to him until he tells you he's got the whole week off, excluding the weekends.

Anonymous said...

Here it is, your daily dose of outrage:

"QThis is directed to all women — in particular, new brides. I've been married one year and I've had it with "honey-do" lists. I think I speak for a lot of men out there when I say this: men are frustrated. They are trying hard to support and understand where women are coming from. Now it's time for women to understand where men are coming from. Men have to rest when they get home from work. If they don't rest, they'll be tired and cranky the next day, they won't be productive and they'll lose their jobs. Men don't have the luxury of laying around all day eating bonbons and watching Oprah. They have to rest to be good providers and women need to realize that.


"AYou'd get credit for outrageous nerve except that you knew your rant would be published anonymously.

"Otherwise, I doubt you'd be able to walk your own street without women — and their supportive husbands — throwing hard candies at you. "Bonbons," indeed! If your own wife's life is truly that of lying about all day, well, buddy, that's the woman you chose. In that case, you DO have a "to-do" list, which is to negotiate with her the marriage you'd prefer, rather than whine and badmouth wives in general. If, however, your wife does somehow get the house in order and your needs met (in between commercials, do you think?), then take a week off and try it yourself. If you still feel she expects too much of you, address her only. All the other women out there don't need your critical assessment. Everyone in a partnership needs a balance of work, rest, household chores, understanding and appreciation. Gender doesn't make one side more entitled to rest than the other. Okay, men, do any of you have a different opinion from this guy?"

Sandra Miller said...

Two freaking days!?

TCBIM is out of his mind.

I hate this for you, Julia. Absolutely hate this.

It's just so wrong.

Someone has got to beat sense into that man!

Washington Crunchy Mama said...

I think the TV needs to break.

I second the Doula. My Doula was the best part of my pregnancy ~ we're still good friends!

I'm sorry TCBYM won't grow the hell up and be a man.

Joke said...

Uh oh.


KPB said...

Dude, I feel your pain.

That is all.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Do you want me to come over and kick his ass? I could. Well, maybe not kick his ass, but I could throw something heavy and sharp at him. Maybe that would knock some sense into the guy. I'm so angry about this, and I don't even know you guys!

Here's my advice... If you have access to other adult men (relatives, friends) that you can enlist to come over and help you with a few things, like the door and the $3000 pile of metal in your driveway, that might be enough incentive to get your man moving. Assault his male sensibilities and hit him in his pride. And then take his hockey stuff and his golf clubs and throw them in the nearest lake.

And don't even get me started on the dog...

Major Bedhead said...

Mrs. Chicky - that's a good idea, but I don't know any men around here - we just moved to the area. But, my mother is coming over on Monday and has said that SHE'D fix the door. If that doesn't embarass him, nothing will.

He did move the hockey and golf shit today.

rae ann said...

cancel the cable. i know it sounds harsh and the kids might suffer a little too, but at least he won't be able to sit on his arse all evening. and it probably won't solve all of your problems but it will be one less distraction.

i'm on bored with the doula idea.... sounds like the TCBIM is being a jerk anyways so he'll probably not be much help when the time comes. let him go off to work and just make sure that he knows that if he's not going to take the time off, you're going to take the money you're saving by not having cable and you're going to hire some help. or start selling his shit to pay for a doula (he left it outside, anyways!)... whatever works!

just know that even though it's stressful right now, your baby is going to be a fabulous addition to your life and your children's and she will only enhance your life. hang in there!

Judi said...

got your link through a mutual friend. We were agreeing how all men are jerks. Well I think yours ranks right up there in the top 10. Wish I had something more inspirational to say. Take it easy and try to spend sometime with your feet up on the couch. YOUR the one doing all the hard work!

bethany said...

so granted this has nothing to do with your post ... but maybe it will help a little...

o is doing great ... she's absolutely precious. every time she runs up to me and hugs me and tells me she missed me ... she also said that you said hi ... so "hi" back ...

smile ... atleast you get your precious daughter back soon!

LJ said...

I agree with cancelling the cable!! Inform him it's to cover the price of paying the Doula who will help you. And then after she's gone, it will cover the cost of having a maid once a month!

In all seriousness though, this shit has really got to get out in the open. Communication they say is the key to something that will make things work. At the moment things are not working for you. If mama ain't happy, aint no body gonna be happy.

Here are some big big hugs!!!

Caro said...

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were married to my EX-husband.

Fortunately, we only had one kid so I was able to leave the rat bastard.

He is now divorcing his second wife. He had another child with her. (which he will also pay minimal support on, I'm sure.)