Thursday, March 08, 2007

And if your head explodes with dark forbodings, too

I am so sick of being depressed. I don't have a reason for it, nothing's happened, no one died or left me or hit me or even spoke a cross word to me. And yet here I sit, sad, crying and full of self-loathing.

Last night, I think I ate my weight in Terra chips. Then I sat here and thought about how nice it would be if I could just be anorexic or bulimic for a while. Seriously. I wondered if I could make myself become that way. Instead, I felt guilty about thinking that way, so I ate some toast. It's fucking ridiculous. I can't seem to stop eating these days.

The rational part of my brain knows that it's because the Bug has been sick and doesn't want to eat solid food, she just wants some boob. Her nursing needs have probably doubled - she's nursing almost as often as she did when she was just a month old. Non-stop nursing makes me hungry. Seriously hungry.

I've been trying to counteract the hunger with good foods - fruits and humongous salads, but at night, when TCBIM is out or asleep and the kids are in bed, I start cruising the kitchen like a john cruising the Combat Zone. I thought about making falafel, but it was 10:30, far too late for that. I ate some goldfish crackers and stared into the cupboards. I yelled at myself, called myself some wonderful names and went back to the computer. Ten minutes later, I was back in the kitchen, making toast.

I hate myself when I get like this. I feel out of control and angry and guilty and all sorts of things. It's awful. It spills over into other areas of my life, too.

I feel guilty because I don't think I do enough with the kids. I don't have the money, time or inclination to take them to all these programs. I just don't want to. I go to a play group, which the girls and I both love. The women really are nice, far nicer than I ever hoped to find. They all seem to have their shit together, though. They show up with their hair done and a bit of make up on and no spit up or oatmeal or magic marker on their jeans. Their kids always look neat. Mine look a mess some days. As do I. They talk about things they do on the weekends or where they take their kids during the week and I just sit there, thinking what a lazy fuck I am for not doing more.

Why do I continually beat myself up this way? It's not like these women are competimommies, rubbing it in my face that they're better/smarter/more together than I am. I'm sure if I voiced these concerns, some of them would have the same problems, and if they didn't, they'd be supportive rather than derisive. But no, I don't say anything (and if any of you play group ladies are reading, hi. Yes, I really am nuts. Don't mind me, I'm mostly harmless.)

I just want something that will stop me from feeling this way, but that won't make me Hoover up the kitchen or have mad rashes or heart palpitations or destroy my already-dormant sex drive or make me sweat like a pig. I'm weaning off the Paxil because a. I don't think it's helping the depression one iota (given that I went thru a lovely bout of self-loathing not even a month ago) and 2. it gives me night sweats. It's disgusting.

Mostly I just want to stop feeling like I am the worst person in the world. I really, really hate feeling this way.


Lara said...

maybe you need to switch to a different medication? or up the dose? i haven't been doing this nearly long enough to really know, but i do know that my pills worked briefly, then stopped working. we upped my dose, and it fixed it briefly, but then i crashed even worse. we upped it another time, and that seems to have helped a lot.

i don't know - i'm certainly not going to try to give you advice, 'cause i know nothing about anything. just know i'm here for you, and i definitely relate to all this stuff you're saying. i'm sending you big hugs.

Anonymous said...

I can completely relate to how you're feeling. Not that I have necessarily been there, because how you're feeling is unique, but I have been in that arena.

I'm really not a big supporter of medications, but the best thing I ever found for me was Wellbutrin combined with Zoloft. They tag-teamed my blues and I was feeling SO much better.

Eventually I weaned off and am doin ok.

I'm really sorry that you have to feel this way. Just remember that you're not alone!

Chrissie in Belgium said...

Here is a tip, which has worked for me. Set a goal, something that you will be proud of yourself for if you can pull it off. Don't make it too difficult OR to easy - LAGOM. Then work your dam butt off to suceed. You will then like yourself a bit more. Then you can pick other goals..... Don't get me wrong the goals have to be REAL - not too easy and not to hard! Only you can set those goals.

Mother Hen said...

stop giving yourself a hard time. it's hard enough to get through life as an individual yet here you are a mother and partner. go easy on yourself. do what you enjoy.

Anonymous said...

As one of those playgroup mommies, let me just say that when I see you there, I'm amazed that you can get two happy, well-adjusted babies there and be on time. And you bring toys. And you actually remember to bring a snack....


Anonymous said...

I can certainly relate to most of what you're saying. I wish I could be a more involved, "put together" mom. Some days are good simply because my kids are dressed before lunch. A great day may mean being able to get them outside to play. My youngest is 2 and I am just starting to pull it together. With regard to the night sweats, etc. When my daughter was breastfeeding I went through intense hormonal surges that made me very depressed, eat my way through the house, experience night sweats, and hot flashes during the day. It may be the same for you. While it is certainly hell, and meds may get you through, know that it is probably a temporary reflection of your body changes, not a reflection of you personally. Good luck!

Zazzy said...

I think you are too hard on yourself. I know I beat myself up about the same thing but I try to remember that over-eating is just a way of trying to cope. I struggle a lot particularly with depression, feeling like I have the energy to find better ways of coping.

Consider when this happens just saying to yourself, “It’s a shame that I feel so uncomfortable right now that food is the only way I know how to deal with that anxiety and fear.” Then let go of the guilt and move on. If you hang on to the guilt it's just one more thing to beat yourself up about - and one more reason to turn to food for comfort.

Be kind to yourself.

Suebob said...

Try talking to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. You certainly deserve at least that, no?

Or try reframing - the very reason you feel bad is that you ARE a good person who wants better for herself. If you were a total shit, you wouldn't even care.

Stomper Girl said...

Hi, new here but just wanted to say, breastfeeding takes it out of you! (In more ways than one.) You have to feed yourself, and you have to feed yourself more than normal. Sounds like you try to eat well most of the time, so how could there be a problem with you raiding the pantry when it's late and you're tired? Eat up, I say! Feed the machine. It's working double-triple time at the moment.