Friday, October 20, 2006

A Rainy Day Fashion Tip

When it's raining, don't wear jeans that are too big for you, especially those that gap at the waist. While you're bending over, strapping chidren into car seats, the rain drops will go right down the crack of your ass, causing you to shriek, thus scaring said children. In your hurry to stop the ass-crack-deluge, you will whack the top of your head on the door frame of the car. This will cause you to stagger back, stepping into a 4" deep puddle, the bottom of which is full of leaves. Wet leaves. Slippery wet leaves that will make your feet, in their oh-so-cute-but-oh-so-impractical-in-the-rain Liz Claiborne slip on sneaker-y things, fly out from underneath you and sending you ass first - the same ass that was already insulted (?) with ass-crack-deluge - into the 4" deep puddle. The dog, curious about all the swearing, shrieking and splashing going on, comes out of her dog house and shakes herself all over, thereby drenching the top half of you, which wasn't really that wet yet, and giving you a lovely layer of dog hair. Wet dog hair.

You will now drag the children back out of the car and into the house. The two year-old will protest mightily because it's story time and she wants to go to the library. The two month-old will add her cries to the mix, just because. You yell "Hang on, hang on, I just need to change my pants," knowing full well that they don't care, they just want to GO already, and hoping that your jacket will hide your wet and dog-hair-covered t-shirt. Back into the car, avoiding the ass-crack-deluge this time (because this is what happens when jeans fit) and down to the library, where your friend comments "Goodness, you look harried." Y'think?

20 comments:

MsCellania said...

But more devastating than this?

JEFFREY?!
That freaking weirdo tattooed neck THING?
Who Had to have help from Professional Sewing Type Folk to do all that was done?
Who cares if it was creative? He broke the rules. He had help.
I'm done.

MsCellania said...

Oh, and sorry about your rainy morning.
The thing that always happened to us was the poop blowouts. After I had 2 babies strapped in the car, in snow suits, both screaming their heads off. And I would Smell it.
That smell of Major Delay Here.

Beanie Baby said...

Oh no! What a morning.

...it's Friday? No, that doesn't help, does it?

How about whiskey?

Minnesota Nice said...

.....................I'd give my eye-teeth to have jeans that are
too big for me...

julia said...

Whiskey. It's definitely a whiskey night. After all that, I now have a sore throat. Woe is moi.

Kevin said...

That was hilarious!
(sorry to be laughing at your misfortune/wet ass).

Whiskey sounds in order...

LauraJ said...

Well I guess by now you are nice and dry and comfy and the kids are still driving you nuts but at least you aren't wet right?

MsPrufrock said...

Minnesota Nice stole what I was going to say...jeans that are too big? Right after having a child?

What a dream...you know, without the asscrack river and what not.

rubbing said...

In about three weeks im going to wish for a a drop of wet to run down my asscrack. But instead it will be engulfed with an icicle and flying snow.
I had a wisky for you tonite.

something blue said...

Wardrobe malfunction alert! Sorry to laugh at your expense.

Beck said...

Yeah, I've had experiences like that too. BAAAAD experiences. Like, taking a toddler for a walk while wearing an excellent new long skirt, only to find that the skirt hobbled me and I couldn't chase after said toddler.... sigh. That's why I live in pajamas now.

meggie said...

Sorry to laugh at your ass crack dilemma, but you made my morning!

The previous post rang bells in my memory.
I want my daughter to read your post, so she knows she is not the only one!
She said she would hear her son cry in the morning & her stomach contracted to that sour scrunched up ball of bitterness, & almost paralysed her. She is an absolutely 'normal'- now there is a word!- mother. If we are honest we have all been there, no matter how fleetingly.

Oh, The Joys said...

That is so sad...and so funny! (Sorry!)

Larki said...

Ass crack deluge! I love it!

Also, I am so happy that someone else loves Brideshead Revisited.

Larki is me, Bihari...changed my handle for long, complicated reasons.

Jenny said...

If laughing at other's ass-crack dillema's is wrong then I don't want to be right.

*giggle*

Anonymous said...

Dude, when my new jeans come in the mail from ordering them on the internet, I'll be sure to check them for ass-crack-deluge protection. If they have that problem, I'm sending them back.

Andrea http://littlebalddoctors.wordpress.com

Joke said...

I'm looking upon you with an increased admiration, and I'm not sure why.

-J.

julia said...

Because I'm willing to tell the whole internet what a klutz I am?

EC said...

Ok, I hate to say this, but that was just too funny for words (as I laugh hysterically because that is something that would so happen to me, lol)

kittenpie said...

See, maybe you shouldn't have changed - no you're harried, but before you were hairy. Not that different, is it, really?

Heh. Sorry to hear about that craapy experience - perhaps I shouldn't be laughing about it...