Monday, May 12, 2008

Why Am I Not Surprised

Another Mother's Day gone. My mother gave me a book. My husband? Nothing. Nothing from the kids (well, a cute card Boo made for me at preschool), nothing from him.

No sleeping in. No breakfast, in bed or out somewhere. No cute little card. No silly little present. No nothing.

I don't know why I'm not used to this total lack of ability to show appreciation. You'd think, after 8 years of it, that I would be. But every year, it's like getting kicked in the head all over again. I've talked to him about it, I've explained that I don't need a big gift, but I need to at least feel appreciated. Like maybe what I'm doing matters a little bit. And he nods and he says he understands and he says he'll try harder next time and then the next time rolls around and I get the shaft again.

I'm tired of always being disappointed by my life. I wish I could figure out how not to care, how to just shut off that part of me so that I wouldn't have to feel so hurt all the time.

I keep thinking there must be some fundamental fault in me that lets others treat me that way. That somehow I must show that I don't deserve to get treated nicely, that I must be doing it all wrong otherwise people would appreciate me a little bit. I know I can't be fucking it up entirely - my kids are healthy and mostly happy. So why does it continue to be OK to treat me like I'm a nonentity? Like what I want or need is so low on the list of priorities that it may as well not be on there at all? How come the only people who ever show me any affection are all under 4 feet tall?


Josie said...

I'm sorry your husband didn't remember you yesterday.
There is nothing wrong with you - you need to stop thinking that way.
And now for some unsolicited assvice:
Next Mom's Day? Make plans for yourself and tell the hubby he's taking care of the kids. Don't wait for him to show appreciation - show yourself some.

sandy shoes said...

Based on: "I've talked to him about it... he nods and he says he understands and he says he'll try harder next time and then the next time rolls around and I get the shaft again" I think TCBYM is being passive-aggressive about this, and it sucks, big time.

This is not your fault.

I second Josie's (one of my favorite names, btw) advice to take matters into your own hands, along the lines of "it's [Mother's Day/my birthday/just time for me to get some time to myself or with a friend] next Sunday, and I'm going on a little road trip. Be back after the girls' bedtime."

This is not your fault.
This is Not. Your. Fault.

Scott S said...

I agree with Josie ... just remember that before you buy something for father's day!

Anonymous said...

Yes to everything that Josie and sandyshoes and scott said. Yes, yes, and yes. No Father's Day presents (although if he's like my husband...he doesn't show you appreciation but he doesn't expect it either?).

And for what it's worth - and not to downplay your feelings because they are valid, but it isn't your fault - I would slather affection all over you and I'm taller than 4 ft. {{hugs}} And Happy Mother's Day.

Maureen Fitzgerald said...

That sucks!

I agree with everyone who says that next year you should treat yourself! (Maybe a whole weekend - not just know, to make up for the Mother's Days past.)

MsPicketToYou said...

Next year??! Why wait? NEXT WEEKEND. Make a plan to do something you like (even if its three hours just sitting outside somewhere, alone; doesn't need to cost money), tell him two days in advance, do not accept excuses or pleas, and go.

Bring "Still Life With Woodpecker" by Tom Robbins. You too can be your own valentine.

MsPicketToYou said...

Oh and PS: I spent most of the afternoon (I had wished to spend in the garden) with my mother in law (who notified us of these plans on Saturday afternoon) because you know, she is A Mother. When I went to pick up the digital picture frame for her (on Sunday), my husband said, "oh and get something for yourself too." Sooo, I bought two beautiful hydrangeas and had him digging holes at 6pm.

And also PS: I appreciate you. I am 5' 3". And a half.

motherbumper said...

Big Sigh of recognition and wincing while reading this post. I read it a few hours ago while toddler wrangling and couldn't comment and put a big MAJOR BEDHEAD on my to do list because this post just left me with a *thud* on my blackened heart. I may hate Hallmark and all that shit but Mother's Day is all about recognition - sure the gifts etc are nice but really, it's all about recognizing that all year round you do something fantastic and freakin' hard. I'm sorry that he didn't do anything, for that he deserves a little smack from me (okay, it'd be big but I don't want the police after me - again). I really hope he realizes it's not the (lack of) consumer aspect of the day that has left you sad, it's the lack of respect and recognition. I'm sending a virtual hug for what it's worth (mind you, it is dipped in chocolate... that I just ate).

Green-Eyed Momster said...

It's time that YOU take care of Julia. You have to remember that men are wired differently. I get myself a little something if I want to. I love perfume and girly stuff. Next year make an appointment to have a spa treatment and a facial. Tell him you need him to watch the kids and just leave. Period. Why wait until next year. Call today and get and appointment for next weekend. Please? You deserve it!! Hugs!!

Lara said...

you deserve way better. i agree with everyone else who's said that you should take some time for yourself and tell TCBYM that he's on his own. 'cause you're worth it.

also? i am 5'9" and i think you're amazing.

Jess said...

5'7", KNOW you're AMAZING, and am bringing you the GOOD dark chocolate to Niagara.

Because NOBODY puts Julia in a corner.

(cheesy grin)

Anonymous said...

Same exact situation here although my children are now 20 and 18 so it seems they learned to follow in their father's footsteps. *SIGH*.

I do feel responsible for my own happiness and know I'm a wonderful mom. So I expressed my disappointment to all in a calm way and got my feelings out. It felt good to share it on an adult level even if nothing changes. I will go and buy myself a present and acknowledge all I do for others.

I will also "hope" things will be different next year, but won't hold my breath.

I will also continue to teach my children these kinds of days should be honored and will encourage them to select cards and presents for their father on father's day, because this is what they should do in life. Just like I want them to be honored when and if they become parents. I believe it's not too late to teach them the right things to do.

As for husband, (although this is a poor excuse) I honestly believe he was never made to feel special in his life and doesn't recognize that he perpetuates the same disappointment he felt in his early years. I wish he could recognize it and make a change.

I wish you a belated happy mother's day because I value all you do and all you share about what you do as a mom. You're AMAZING. Fill the tub with bubbles and consider each bubble a very special gift for all you do for your precious children.

Anonymous said...

That right there is grounds for you to spoil yourself at the expense of all others, especially TCBYM.

If you don't have the money to spoil yourself with something you want, spoil yourself with time. Take a camera for a long walk or just a good book and a blanket to a park and have a literary picnic.

And NO FATHER'S DAY GIFTS! There's some money saved.

Do the same for your birthday and any other day you should be acknowledged and you don't expect him to step up to the plate.

If it were me, I'd start buying diamonds. If he asked where I got the money, I'd say that it was accumulated savings from all the years of getting nothing. Then make him figure out the hole left in the money for the bills. Nothing burns me more than lack of appreciation for hard work. Nothing.

Stomper Girl said...

Aren't your commenters good people? They said it so well. Go out in the next week or so BECAUSE YOU DO DESERVE IT, make it a Mother's Day raincheck. Tell him we sent you and see if the tide of public opinion doesn't make him left his game.... (5'6" xx)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I HATE that--I've been in the same boat, and for the longest time I'd get back "but you're not my mother!" This last year, I finally managed to say that, no, I'm not his mother, but I am the mother of his children, and until they're old enough to be expected to show appreciation on their own, it's HIS JOB to help them do so.

The kids need to learn to respect all the things you do as much as TCBYM does, and it's on him to make sure of that. That said, I agree with your other posters--inform him that you're taking a day off and go haunt a coffee shop or get a pedicure or whatever makes you feel good. You deserve that time!

I'm 5'6", and I think you're tops. And it's not just 'cause we're related. :)