I feel like I've been stuck, mentally, for a long time now. I don't feel like I have much of interest to say anymore. I read other blogs (a metric fuckton of them) and then I come here and I'm all, duh-duh-duh-duh, what do I say, how can I compete with all. those. other. writers? Writers who are more talented (and more coherent) than I am.
So I don't write much. I don't write here, I don't write at the diabetes blog I get paid to write, I just don't say anything.
And I'm not sure why.
I know a lot of it is the depression. It's kicking my ass. I'm in therapy and it does help, but only for a little while, maybe a day, if I'm lucky. I know going back on antidepressants will help a lot, but at the moment, we don't have health insurance and I can't afford the massive amount of money that Cymbalta runs every month. Even with health insurance, it was still $45 a month. Without health insurance, well, I have no idea, since CVS doesn't seem to list the cost of their medications online. I'm sure it's a lot of money. More than I can afford right now.
So I don't write. My fingers stumble on the keyboard when I open the Blogger thingamahoojy. I have no fucking clue what to say, or even if I have anything to say. And it's depressing. I love to write. I love reading the written word, I love playing with the words when I'm the one writing them, to move them around on the page until they convey exactly what I want them to, and this utter inability I have to write right now is really pissing me off. I feel like I've been deserted and I'm really angry about it.
That's why I don't write much here anymore. I don't like what I have to say, I've convinced myself that no one wants to read the blitherings that I can come up with, so I say nothing. Things happen here - nothing dramatic, nothing earth-shattering, but they're funny or intersting or just plain what-the-fuckedness - but I can't seem to get the words onto the screen in any kind of sensible order.
This is one of the many reasons I hate depression. It's robbing me of the things I love. Reading, writing, talking with friends. I just can't summon the interest. There's no spark there. I hate it. I hate being wordless, although I've managed to write paragraphs about said wordlessness. Whatever. It's all blathering. All mouth, no trousers.
I'm not looking for a vast audience on this blog. I stopped deluding myself that I could be a big blogger a long, long time ago. I do this for me, really, to scoop the crap out of my head and give it somewhere else to reside for a while. But I can't even seem to do that any more. It's the cruelest cut thus far in this epic war I seem to be waging against myself.
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18 comments:
This sounds terrible, and I hope you can find it in your budget to have a cycle of the anti-depressants soon. Could you do one month on, one month off?
Meanwhile, don't write for us. I get paralysed if I think of my blogging in terms of my readers. i think you have to write for yourself, and so what if sometimes its crap?
FWIW I don't think your stuff is crap
good luck - I thought it was depression haunting my writing. Now that I've crawled out of a very dark space, I still can't write that well.
I think I've got too much on my mind with work and the house and G and our families. It clouds the ability to write. :(
I like reading what you've written. You dazzle me with your words, even if you think what you've written is crap. But for the record, ditto.
xo
SG - You really aren't supposed to go one on, one off with anti-depressants. It makes it more likely that they'll stop working completely.
Rachel - yeah, there's that, too. Life gets in the way.
Chicky - thanks. That means a lot, since you're one of the ones I think of as so much better at this than me.
Aww ... I think that you are a fantastic writer. You just let it all out there and it's fascinating.
((hugs)) on your struggles ... I hope they are soon a distant memory!
"....what do I say, how can I compete with all. those. other. writers? Writers who are more talented (and more coherent) than I am..."
It's ironic that you say that because often I come out here and figure I'm better off not blogging at all, after I read what you've written. I am in awe...you have a way with words m'dear, despite what you might think or feel. I also tend to feel a connection with you because of the depression thing. Oh and we can't forget the common bond of wanting to tell Old Man Winter to SUCK IT!
The other thing...don't write for anyone but yourself. When I was going through a bad case of blogger envy and posted about it, Bossy told me something that I thought was kind of trite or even cliche' at the time, but it's true, and seeing as how I can't find her comment at the moment, I'll paraphrase; be yourself, because that's what we all come here for. And she's right. There are a million cookie cutter blogs out there, all trying to be Pioneer Woman or Dooce (I don't have anything against either), or trying to be the Bloggess...you get where I'm going.
Come to think of it, I need to take my own advice. *lol*
I think you're just in a funk.
Have you tried posting a picture of your ass? Only joking!!
I know you're not CRAZY!! Your blog has always been one of my favorites. You're a real woman J, that's why I love you!!
I'm sending you some emails and I have only good intentions!!
Hugs and love, T
Major suckage.
I too think you are a fantastic writer, and I always enjoy reading your stuff.
Maybe look at the writing as another therapy of sorts. A way to get things off your chest.
Just. Write.
I hope you keep writing. I think writing is therapy and it helps to see your thoughts on paper, so to speak. At least it helps me sort real worries from the gremlins in my head. I so often relate to what you write - that connection, to me, is a big part of why I still blog. Sometimes it's very hard to start writing, I don't know what to say, I feel like I've said it all before - but if I can start, it's sometimes surprising where my thoughts lead me. And, of course, sometimes it doesn't get posted. And I agree with Stomper Girl - if I worry about who's reading and what they're going to think I can't get a coherent thought out.
I wish there were universal answers for the depression. It's something I fight - and clearly a lot of people relate to your fight.
We'll be here no matter what. Well, I will anyway.
{{hugs}}
Depression or no, you write well.
FWIW, I tend not to like most of the "bigger" blogs. A lot of that stuff comes off forced -- This Is Funny! HA! HA! -- and I just... don't think so.
There are so many blogs I used to read when I started my own, but eventually deleted from my Google Reader when I realized their stories just aren't all that compelling.
What's the saying... "there's no there, there"?
Anyway. Yours stayed.
Blog when you feel like it. Don't apologize for when you don't. It's the internet... you owe it nothing.
And what you write, I'll read.
The OC would really be a lesser place without your voice, Julia. I hope the cloud lifts for you soon.
I can read blogs for hours on and comment and give advice. I have a hard time writing in my own though.
When I do write in mine, I usually go back and delete entries that I find to be stupid/useless. I have like maybe 75 entries in my lj right now and I used to have over a hundred.
I can so relate to everything you write about, it's almost as if you are living inside my head. (freaky as that seems) Maybe it's my own little battle with depression that I'm waging, or the diabetes in the pre-teen-daughter, or the less-than-helpful spousal stuff....but I'm right there with you. I don't think your writing is crap at all, especially since that would mean everything inside my own head was crap too. :) Do what you can to dump it out for yourself, though, and not for anyone else - on your own schedule and not when anyone else thinks it's *time* for an entry. We'll just keep checking back and be happy when you're here! :)
"This is one of the many reasons I hate depression. It's robbing me of the things I love."
So, so true.
I'm a fairly new reader, but so far I really like your blog.
Blogging was easier in college (aka when I had a life). Exciting things happened then, random adventures, etc. Now, how do I make going to work, doing laundry, and washing dishes exciting and adventurous? Bah.
Health insurance, pharmacy drama, side effects - the untold horror stories of antidepressants.
You've probably already looked into getting samples from your doctor, but if not its worth a try. Mine supplied me with samples for quite a few months after my insurance decided not to cover my meds any more.
feel.your.pain.
and also ps: have you lost weight? you look great in those jeans...
Maybe it's holiday burnout. I think a lot of people have been going through this. As for the thinking no one wants to read what you REALLY have to say, that's hogwash! People connect to people who have the same happenings in life. I will be honest about how sometimes I really have some nasty things I want to write about on my blog. But I am so afraid to go there. I just don't know why. I am afraid that even though I can get people to see how funny, or nice, or whatever I am, that they won't accept the flipside of me. The anger, the frustration, the saddness. I haven't taken my meds for almost two years and every other day is a struggle. And I think, why don't I go back on them. But like you now, I now have no insurance and so that question has been answered for me. Don't stop writing it down. Especially if this is your outlet. All of those thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere, and at least here, you can share them with others who can help, appreciate and connect with you.
how frustrating. Can you do it if you just tell yourself you won't hit publish, will just use it to brain dump for yourself? It might still help, and then one day, perhaps, you can click it anyway.
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