Monday, July 20, 2009

It's My Blog And I'll Bitch If I Want To

I seem to spend all my time working or taking care of kids or trying to have a bit of a social life these days. I spend no time writing here or reading other blogs and my blog reader mocks me every time I open it. "You have 1,848 unread posts." No, I'm not kidding. And no, I'll never get them all read.

Like everyone else, I'm kind of freaking out over BlogHer. I've lost 35 lbs over the last few months so all the nice clothes I have in my closet fit me again. This is a good thing because we definitely don't have the money for me to be buying anything new. Broke doesn't begin to describe it. I'm not quite sure what we're going to do about the money situation. I called the cable company today to have cable shut off. We'll still have internet but no more television. I'll have to start taking the kids to the library to get some dvds for them to watch. They were the only ones who watched it anyway. That Canadian Boy I Married and I mainly watch movies or stuff online. So no more television. It's going to be odd....

I'm going to have to buy an outdoor clothes line, too, to save on electricity. I've got to figure out how else I can save because TCBIM has pretty much told me to stop complaining to him about how broke we are, to just suck it up and get over it; that this is how it's going to be for the next couple of years and he doesn't want to hear anything more about it. Which, y'know, yeah, thanks for the support, but whatever. I'll figure it out on my own and do what I can to cut more corners. I just wish I didn't feel alone in this. It's not that he's not worried - he is - but he doesn't ever want to talk about it, doesn't want to talk about anything bad or depressing or upsetting and it makes me feel very lonely. I tried explaining that to him but he doesn't seem to get it.

Honestly, I have days when I wonder why I got married. I love him but it's like living with an alien. He and I just do not see things the same way a lot of the time and when I try to explain myself, he doesn't understand me. Is it always like this? My first marriage was such a fucked up mess that I don't have anything to compare it to, really. I feel like we just go around and around and around and nothing ever gets sorted out. He throws the cost of my medicines and therapy in my face all the time, to the point that I want to just stop both of them. But he can't stand it when I'm depressed, so I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired of being stuck in this rut with him because it feels like I'll never get out of it.

Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I'm so tired of feeling like Prometheus.

13 comments:

Heidi said...

Bitch away! I'm sorry it all sucks right now. I do hope BlogHer is fun, though. (((hugs))

Zazzy said...

Hey! Some of those 1848 posts are mine! How could you bear to miss the updates on my tomatoes? :-)

I'm glad to see you're still alive but sorry things aren't going better. Congrats on your weight loss and I hope you have fun at BlogHer.

Lara said...

I can't wait to see you and give you a hug at BlogHer. :)

Room 704 said...

Hi!

We just stopped by to say HAI!!!! And we'll catch you on Friday night at BlogHer!!!

The women of Room 704.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

That's what blogs are for, aren't they? The good and the bad....

All I can say is I self medicated for the first 7 years. I might send you a more private email. If you can stick it out, I think it gets better...but...that being said, life is supposed to be fun. Not a total drag. IMO. If it's not meant to be, you'll know it in your heart!

Have fun at BlogHer and please give Suebob a hug from me.

Sending you big hugs too!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You might want to check out this guy's blog. His posts are great. I really like this one.

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/intuitive-decisions/

Hugs!!!

Magpie said...

you are going to run away. to chicago. for fun.

see you there!

elizasmom said...

I got nothing constructive to contribute r.e. your troubles but an I-hear-you and an I-hope-things-change-soon, but I do hope that BlogHer is awesome., I expect a full report at BC in AUgust, yes?

lynn @ human, being said...

The good thing is that in three days you'll be on a mini-break, surrounded by 1000+ women who will commiserate with you. And free booze.

BTW, we cut our satellite for about 6 months last year and while we missed it, we also bonded over board games and walks and movies etc etc. Pretty much everything you'd want to watch is on hulu anyway!

Ms Picket To You said...

you better find me...

Patois said...

Bitch away. Whatever makes it better.

Audrey at Barking Mad said...

This, this right here is one of the reasons I wish I was going to BlogHer...and believe me, they are few. I wish I could meet some of the people I most admire and relate to and give them a huge hug!

I hope you're having a great time at BlogHer and connecting with a lot of awesome women...oh, and men too!

I'm sorry to hear things are status quo with TCBIM. Maybe once you're back from BlogHer you two can sort things out. Either that or he'll discover he's a mess without you.

Lili said...

He throws the cost of my medicines and therapy in my face all the time

Dude, that is WAY over the line. Just sayin'.