I had a bit of a discussion with That Canadian Boy I Married yesterday. I explained to him that when he kept putting off doing things or refused to help around the house, it did nothing to endear me to him and, in fact, made me resent him. Why I had to explain this to him is a mystery, but there you go, I did.
It's not like he leaves his shoes in the living room for a day or two. He leaves stuff everywhere. He left his rather expensive golf clubs and golf bag (which held his wedding ring, another very, very sore spot) in the yard for two months. I would ask/nag/yell about once a week for him to get them into the cellar or the shed or someplace out of the rain. Finally, on Thursday, I told him that if they weren't moved by Friday, I was listing them on Craigslist. They were put away that night. I shouldn't have to threaten drastic measures in order to get simple things like that done, but that's what it takes, almost every time.
Stuff like this happens all the time. All. The. Time. It's maddening and I find it very selfish and thoughtless. There's also the matter of him not doing anything around the house on the weekends, which is when I work the most hours. It pisses me off no end to come home after work to find that the sofa holds a permanent impression of his ass, that nothing has been picked up and no dishes have been washed. Last night, when I came in after working 9 hours, he smiled and said "Welcome to the disaster zone." And then he fell asleep on the couch. He may as well have slapped me across the face as I walked in the door.
The kitchen was a mess - O had made cookies and not cleaned up. TCBIM had made dinner and not cleaned up. There was ketchup all over the kitchen table and when I moved a picture I had left on the table, water had been spilled, gotten underneath it and left a huge white mark on the table. Not to mention, damaged the picture.
Should I have left the picture on the table? No, I shouldn't have. I had done grocery shopping in the morning, though, and was cleaning out the hutch and before I knew it, I had to get to work. So I left it, telling TCBIM that I would clean it up when I got home. To me, it would have been common sense to move the picture when the girls were eating - they're toddlers, they're messy. And if they'd spilled something, he should have wiped it up.
Instead, all of this stuff just gets left for me to do. And it's infuriating. I work about 25 - 30 hours a week and I take care of the kids. I do all the laundry, I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning and it's pissing me off that when he is home, he just sits on the couch watching football. He doesn't interact with the kids that much, except to feed them. He didn't even give them a bath last night.
Today, instead of hanging out with the girls, who all have the day off, I'll be cleaning up the mess. O will be cleaning the kitchen, since she made the mess in there, but I'm going to have to clean up the living room and dining room because I can't live with this level of mess. It's gross.
When I try to explain how all of this makes me feel, he doesn't get it. He says he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, that he doesn't want me to resent him, but I do. So I spend my time on the computer because I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be nice to him when he can't be bothered to treat me with any kind of respect. He just says that he doesn't see a problem, that he doesn't mean for his actions (or lack thereof) to make me feel the way I feel and that seems to be it. If he doesn't have a problem, then there is no problem.
This is an ongoing thing with us and I don't know what to do about it. I've talked to my therapist about it and she says to talk to him, to tell him how I feel, but it's not doing anything. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall and it's wearing me out. His complete obliviousness has me confused and sad.
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
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16 comments:
Oh, I hear you. I SOOOO hear you. This is the constant sticking point at our house, too. *I* am the one who goes to the store, who cooks the meals, who does the bulk of the laundry, the gardening, the painting, etc. I am the one who gets up early with the kid most days, including weekends and vacations.
What I want for Christmas is for him to get the fucking hint and take the kid and go visit his assface mother for a long weekend so can get some freaking sleep and not have to clean up after two children (and I am including him in that count) for once.
It's a huge part of the reason why we only have one kid. It's also the reason we have a cleaning lady, because otherwise we'd be having having this fight every two weeks. As it is, my resentment of his male-factor clueless/shiftlessness is the single biggest threat to our marriage.
Have you seen this book: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Cambridge-Womens-Pornography-Cooperative/dp/0811855511
W/ you so much. My dh can't get his out of the woods or off the lake long enough to spend time with us. If he has a free moment does he spend it with his kids or his wife. NO he spends it hunting.
But then he comes oh come on baby lets go to the bedroom,wink wink poke poke. Okay asswipe if you can't find the time to help me around the house,spend time with your kids, or attend to the dozen of things you need to do around the house don't expect me to spend time in the bedroom with you.
Take care of you girl I know it gets tough...but don't take any wooden nickles along the way.
Oh, yeah, Steph, I get that, too. I didn't even bring that up when we were arguing, but that frosts my ass so. fucking. much.
Wow. That's awful! And "not seeing a problem" is totally passive-aggressive of him. (and then it's supposed to be your fault you resent him? I don't think so, buddy.)
You don't deserve to be treated that way.
i don't get why any of this shit has to be a 'problem.' if someone you love tells you that they're going crazy AND you can probably fix it, then why wouldn't you?! i wish i knew where the fuse was out in these guys' heads...
Have you read "What Shamu Taught me About a Happy Marriage" (from the New York Times, June 2006). Husbands need behavioral training just like wild animals. Here's the link: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?ei=5070
Hmmm, I like the Shamu training tip - I might be able to do that with chicken snacks with my husband.
I hate when it gets to a point like that. It's so completely ridiculous. My sister-in-law always says, "oh, it's because they're men. They play man-stupid. They're just being men." That bugs the heck out of me, too, though - it's not allowed...LOL!
Hang in there!!
((Julia))
I'm sorry. That stinks.
have you told him what happens if he doesn't come around?
I mean, maybe a daily scolding is worth it if you never have to pick up your own socks. What happens after the daily scolding?
Oy.
Does he see the results of his own actions when it comes to his stuff? Like, weren't the golf clubs rained on and somewhat affected by being outside for two months? What would have happened if they, I don't know, went missing and then he'd have to deal with that the next time he wanted to play golf?
Tell the therapist you need more suggestions.
I'm sorry that you're going through this...it's not fair. Hopefully he'll see the light
and SOON!
Has your husband read this blog along with the accompanying comments? You really have explained the situation and your feelings well. Ask him to read it and respond in writing. Good luck!
Oh, that bites. I don't even know what to tell you--I hate to say that if the only thing he responds to is an ultimatum, you should give him one, because this is your marriage we're talking about. Can you shovel his crap into a single place and let him do his own laundry? Maybe when he runs out of socks, he'll get a better idea?
The passive-aggressive "I didn't mean to" crap is just that--crap. If you've told him and he's still doing it? That's ridiculous.
Sucks. I wish I had more suggestions. Hugs to you!
I've seen a great picture showing a man vacuuming with the motto "P0rn for Women". So true.
He needs to get his act together. I seriously do not blame you at all for feeling so fired up about it. I'd be tempted to pick up all his crap and put it under the bedcovers on his side. Because I am very mature like that.
Good luck.
I used to live with my aunt. Her husband was on disability (Cause he was fuckin dumb). He was more than capable to do anything around the house. He of course didn't. I worked as much as she did and I usually ended up cleaning the house. At one point she was working 2 jobs to get out of the debt he put her in, and she basically asked me not to work, so that she knew the kids would be taken care of and the house as well. I did everything needed around the house, while he did nothing. I felt like they were my kids and not his.
About the second paragraph into this post, I started getting nervous and my palms began to sweat a little. I was wondering if what day it was you had been watching me. THEN, I realized I wasn't reading a blog about my life. I was reading a blog about someone who has the SAME exact life as ME!
I work 30 hrs a week, mostly on the weekend so I can take care of the kid during the week. Sprinkle on all of the other misc. stuff that the hubbie thinks aren't his responsibility because he 'does to work everyday'. BFD! I have 3 jobs - wife, mother, an employee at a 'real' job, housekeeper, dog sitter - okay so I have more than 3 jobs! At lease he gets to leave the house everyday to have social interaction! Days go by when I don't even go anywhere!
Anyway, this was your forum to rant, not mine. I just couldn't help but feel those same emotions.
Well, I'm glad you put it all out there!
ummmm...I'm one of the most unbiased commenters here, as I just happened upon this blog. But between the comment you left on Mr. Lady's contest blog, and this blog of yours? I would say marriage counseling or, if he won't agree to that, divorce. I realize it sucks to hear, although you probably already know it deep down. I'm kind of surprised your therapist doesn't sound more worried about this whole situation, but maybe you're just downplaying her role.
BUT, bottom line, NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. NO. ONE. You didn't do anything that justifies his behavior, so stop enabling him NOW and if you want the marriage to continue, insist on marriage counseling. If you think you're better off on your own, divorce sounds like a fair option.
Just my two cents, from someone who's been in a bad relationship, been used, and was lucky enough to finally see the light and GET OUT.
YOU ARE WORTH IT! DON'T EVER FORGET THAT!
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