Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Open Letters To Big Box Store Guests

Dear Female Guests,

When you have nails like this:


How do you pick up this?


More importantly, how do you: zip your jeans, wipe your ass or, well, do anything?

Sincerely,

Curious


Dear Appearance-Concious Guests,

You know that thing that looks like a big mirror? The one that I see you combing your hair in, checking yourself out in, adjusting your bra/boobs/balls in? Yeah, not really a mirror. Really? One way glass. With an office behind it. You might want to think before doing that again.

Sincerely,

Cringing On Your Behalf


Dear Talkative Guests,

Could you please hang up/stop talking/stop texting when you're paying for your crappe? I'm trying to make your transaction quick and painless for both of us, but when you wave me off or completely ignore me in order to chat, it really pisses me off. I'm going to put the shampoo in with your shirts and your canned goods on top of your bread if you don't knock it the fuck off. Also, I don't really want to hear the particulars of your divorce/Aunt Maude's hemhorroid surgery/your best friend's indiscretions. Really. Don't. Want. To. Know.

Sincerely,

Do People Have No Boundaries Anymore?


Dear Guests With Young Children,

Why do you have them in the store at 10 at night? They're nodding off in the carriage, they're whining and shrieking and exhausted. Take them home. And to the guest who let their child completely tear apart everything in the aisle last night and then just smiled at me and walked off? Thanks. I wanted to stay an extra 15 minutes in order to clean up after your little heathen. Shopping is not a family expedition, especially not at 10 at night.

Sincerely,

Sincerely Annoyed


Dear Little Girl,

Last night, as I pondered the pen aisle, I was coughing. You came up behind me and said "Are you OK?" and patted me on the back. You? Rock.

Sincerely,

Major Bedhead

14 comments:

Josi said...

I concur with every single letter. I don't work the retail lane but I wonder the same EXACT things. And the cell phone bit, I hang up saying to the person I'm on the phone with "I have to go because I'm paying and don't want to be rude."

LauraJ said...

Wonderful letters! Two things gross me out more than anything in the world: long ass fingernails and folks who bite their fingernails. Because really all those little nail bits they're biting off go all over the place, even if they're wiping them on their pants! It's gross!! (I was married to a nail biter, and am related to little nail biters. *not A, his cousins)

Sharon said...

I hate people who come into my store who are on the phone when they enter, stay on the phone (discussing anything and everything LOUDLY) the entire time they're in there and then leave without ever hanging up. Okay, maybe not hate. But I really, really dislike that. So rude.

SUEB0B said...

My sis used to imagine those long-nailed people wiping their butts with a wad of tissue wrapped around a ruler or something LOL.

Long nails creep me out. Squared-off nails make me shudder especially.

The phone talking, oy. Yesterday my coworker took a call while 6 of us were having a nice relaxing lunch...it was not a necessary conversation at all and it just was uncomfortable because you have to decide how to pretend you're not listening when you are sitting 6 inches from them.

Ree said...

Aw, she sounds like a little dear.

Lisa said...

HORK on those long fingernails...ishda bishda!

Stomper Girl said...

Eeeww to those fingernails! I see families at our local supermarket at 10pm and think exactly the same. I suspect that the male is the only one who can drive and that he works long hours so night grocery shops are the only options, but I always think their children need to be In Bed!!!!

Traceytreasure said...

Yes, yes, yes! All of it! It's all so accurate, it's scary! We are on similar paths only most of the customers at my place of employment are sick.....eeewwww!!!
The nails? Yeah, I cut mine short with the first kid and have just let them grow a bit since my youngest is SIX!!! Oh how I feel your post in my soul! Working in retail changes you doesn't it?
Those little girls who ask if we are okay, are one of the only reasons for showing up!
I always look cute in the mirror! LOL!! I want one for my bedroom!! :)

Hugs!!

Anonymous said...

Dear customer who throws his credit card at me, the cashier. The next time that happens, I'll politely ask you to turn around and bend over so I can swipe it.

Rich said...

What is bad, is that the nails major bedhead posted, are like the conservative end of the gamut. I see them much longer, and one lady even has the end so it spirals for like 3/4 of an inch. And they are like 20 different colors. It's like crayola threw up on them.
I fucking hate that people complain if the cashiers talk to each other, yet blab on their phones constantly. I ring orders through fast generally, and then I have to wait sometimes for them to finish their conversations or texting before they even decide to look for a form of payment.

I don't understand the people who bring their kids out so late at night. Driving isn't really a problem, as we have a bus system, and around here some of the local grocery stores actually bring you home if you spend over like $30.

I can think of about 10 other things, but I have my own blog for that.

Lisa said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J!

Meredith said...

Long ago I had a lesson with my optometrist's office to learn how to put my brand spanking new contact lenses in. They only shcedule like 15 minutes because really, how hard is it to touch your eye for the first time. Well after half an hour the person teaching me got really super annoyed since I hadn't gotten it in once so she went to get some help. The new teacher was a transgendered gal with fingernails longer than the ones in your picture. She showed me her nails and said "either you put the contacts in your eye or I do" and waved her fingers around. I did it in seconds flat.

And yes, I totally agree with all your letters. I sometimes go grocery shopping alone at 9pm and hate seeing families there with young kids at that time. Knowing mine is asleep at home with is dad in the house makes me wonder why these people can't do the same - divide and conquer people. One of you can stay home, really.

Renae D said...

Agree with all of them.

Well except the 10pm one...my kids have an odd schedule (well did have an odd schedule before I started my new job) where they were up from 9:30/10:00am-11:00/11:30pm...because of my hubby's work schedule, that way he could see them...so out at 10pm? That's still well over an hour till bedtime.

Christine-Megan said...

Summarizes my experiences working at Target nicely.

I don't get parents that keep their little kids up late. It seems like a lot of people do it, too.