Wednesday, April 18, 2007

So mad I could spit

I can't remember the last time I posted about this and I'm too pissed off to go hunting.

O's dad is a dickhead. He and his second wife had separated and he told O all kinds of stories about her - that she was a drunk, that he thought she was doing drugs, that she'd thrown things at him. Basically, he filled her head full of horror stories. Then, suddenly, they're back together and he just wants O to forget all these bad things he told her and welcome her back with open arms.

Needless to say, two months of these tales and O has no desire to see K. Couple this with the fact that K (the 2nd wife) has, in the past, been very mean to O, one time locking O in her bedroom and several times, screaming and swearing at her, both in person and on the phone. K is not exactly on O's list of favourite people.

Tonight, O's dad suggested that I was the one putting these ideas into O's head. He said that I was trying to tell her that he wasn't her father. He then accused his own brother of lying to O about him, that if O wasn't going to see him, she has no right to see her aunts or uncles. He was trying to guilt her from every angle. There was a litany of shit that he poured on her head. She got very upset and was crying. Finally, she told him she felt low and when he wouldn't let her go, she hung up on him.

He called back and I talked to him. I told him she was too upset to talk to him and that I'd have her call him tomorrow. He started to bluster and blow about going to school on Monday to talk to the guidance counselor - O has been seeing the GC for months because of issues with her dad. He doesn't think O should be seeing the GC at all, told O that he didn't want her to see the woman any more. Well, tough. If O wants to talk to her, then she will.

I'm so angry right now that I can't see straight, never mind type this coherently. Why the fuck can't he just be a dad to her? And if he can't be a dad to her, why can't he just fuck off?

She's afraid of him now. She thinks he's going to come to school and pick her up and take her away from me. She told me she didn't want to go to school next week because she thinks he's going to come and take her. How can you make your child feel this way about you? What is wrong with him?

Every time O talks to him, she cries. Every time she gets off the phone with him, she says "I"m so sick of being the adult, mum. Why can't he just act like a dad? He's making me hate him."

So, tomorrow, I'm going to call around for a psychologist for her. I wanted to do this before, but she wanted to try to work it out with the counselor at school. I have a bad feeling this is going to escalate, though. I don't know if O is going to want to cut relations with him permanently, but I figure I'd better get someone more official involved, just in case. Besides, a little therapy never hurt anyone.

Ugh.

15 comments:

Shannon said...

Good luck doing what's best for O. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I'm more than willing to do what you need help with.

Lara said...

god, that is so crappy for O. she deserves much better than that. thank god she has you as a mother - at least half her genes aren't tainted.

Oh, The Joys said...

Julia I'm so sorry. That just sounds so hard and so ... ugh!

Thinking of you - J

Andrea said...

How horrible for her. She's absolutely right, too. Why can't he just grow up and be the Dad?

Though IME way too many men think of "being the DAd" as a right, not a set of responsibilities to your child. It's like it's some eternal pass to ego stroking and fun times they've earned by virtue of ejaculating on a particular evening. Drives me mad.

Suburban Oblivion said...

I don't know who she is, but I *heart* Andrea.

Paige said...

I can relate to this from several different angles and my heart breaks for O. And for you. I think you are doing the right thing by getting a psychologist involved.

Phoenix said...

Oh sweetie I TOTALLY understand. I am going through similar crap myself. Sounds like she is incredibly blessed to have YOU as a mom... keep up the good work!

Andrea said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Mean/stupid/selfish people suck. And O is such a brave girl to face it and keep trying, despite crying after every interaction. If it turns into a lost cause, she most certainly tried to make it work.

Good luck with her therapy. Even if it never escalates to the point of which you're afraid it will, then it's still time well spent.

Joke said...

That man, frankly, is evil.

You have no idea how filled with revulsion I am.

-J.

Kendra said...

Your daughter is mature beyond her years - and I think you're a wonderful mom for realizing that she may need some extra help for having to take on the adult role in the toxic relationship between her and her father. I'm so sorry she has to deal with that bullshit - two of my best friends have absent or mentally ill fathers. I've been the shoulder to cry on more than once and my heart ached for them - but y'know, they both had very supportive mothers and as of today they are both beautiful and self-confident women. Fathers are great when they're great, but when they suck . . . ? I dunno, it's doesn't seem worth it sometimes.

Kerri said...

As someone who has a very strained and very fragile relationship with my own father, I can empathize at least to a certain degree with what O is going through.

I agree with Lara - she's very lucky she has you as her mother.

Thinking of you guys.

Christina said...

I said the same thing to my mom about my dad when I was her age. Sorry you're both going through that. It sucks, and hopefully she will be able to find some help to deal with him only as long as she has to, and then cut all ties, if she so chooses.

Jamie said...

Good God that sucks Julia. I don't blame you for being so mad and I don't blame O for getting so upset. I wish there was something I could do to help you guys out. He's a royal dickhead for doing this to her ....

Thinking of you and O ...

julia said...

Thanks, everyone. I'm lucky to have O for a daughter.

And Joke, yeah, I have an inkling. I do wish he'd just go away and leave her alone, but it's not his style. O's going to have to make that decision, or not, as she chooses. All I can do is support her. I'm so not good at standing back and watching her go thru this crap.

Joke said...

OMG! I never knew O's dad was Alec Baldwin!

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/0419_baldwin.mp3

-J.