Lately, this motherhood thing is really getting to me. My kids can be funny and engaging and a lot of fun to be with at times. Their comments and observations on their little world make me laugh quite often. But they're also incredibly needy, as toddlers and preschoolers are wont to be. As well, I seem to be the be all and end all of their lives for everything. Even if That Canadian Boy I Married is home, they come to me for water, for food, for hugs. I'm it and it's wearing me out. The constant "Mama, mama, mama," thing, the inability to even pee without someone banging on the door, demanding something, is making me a little nutty and feel more than a little lost.
I don't know who I am any more outside of a mother. I have interests and friends but I have no time to pursue either of them. I work every single weekend, generally from 2 - 10 p.m., which doesn't give me any time to socialize with anyone and I miss it. I'm not a social butterfly, but I need to interact with people more than just at work. Asking for too much time off, however, will get me fired, so I only do it if I have specific plans and since the time off needs to be booked three weeks in advance, I don't ask often. My friends don't generally plan things that far in advance.
I'm really feeling in a rut lately. I just work and take care of the kids; it's no fun and it doesn't seem like things are going to change any time soon. Even if I could find a full time job in this economy, I wouldn't make enough to pay for both of them to be in daycare. I've been thinking about taking classes in the fall, when both girls are in preschool, but I'm not sure I can swing the cost of it. I'm going to talk it over with TCBIM, though, because if I don't do something for myself, I'm going to lose my mind.
Because I never have time to myself during the day, I find myself staying up way too late at night, reading blogs, on Twitter, watching stuff online, catching up on the mound of books I've yet to finish (or start, in most cases) in an effort to have a little bit of space that's just mine. Needless to say, this lack of sleep isn't doing me any favours. I'm always tired. And my husband gets annoyed with me sometimes for not going to bed when he does. It's the only time I have, though, and while I've explained that to him, he doesn't quite get it. He doesn't understand the craving I have for time alone, with no one needing anything, where I can do whatever I want.
How do you do it? If you work on weekends and have small children, when do you find time for yourself? How do you recapture a little of the woman that you used to be before having children?