Monday, June 16, 2008

The Step-Monster Files

My father married this...woman a long time ago. For years, I've referred to her as the Step-Monster because she can be a complete and utter bitch at times and did her best to make most of my teens and twenties miserable.

I was summoned to the Manor for Father's Day and we made the trip out there. My dad had this huge cut on his head and we all fell to talking about injuries. I was telling this story about how I fell over the winter, landing on an ice-covered rail road tie, giving myself a massive, black, blue, purple and green bruise that encompassed my entire ass cheek. Step-Monster said "Gee, I thought your ass would be too big to fit on a rail road tie."

I just stood there gaping. My father said "That wasn't very nice," and everyone else found other things to look at.

This is the same woman who, every year for Christmas, has given me a light or low fat or Atkins cook book. Every year. For, like, 10 or 15 years. Because I need reminding that I need to lose weight. Because that's what you say to someone after they tell you they've been going to the gym every day for the last few months. I needed to hear just how fat, exactly, my ass is. Again. Because I don't have enough image problems. I'm not quite insecure enough. '

So this? This is for you, my darling Step-Monster.



And to think, I get to spend next weekend with this woman, too. Fanfuckingtastic.

23 comments:

daysgoby said...

OH MAH CHRIST.

Some people are too stupid to LIVE.

Lara said...

whoa. bitchtastic.

talesofmy30s said...

omg. you should find her a fake foot for her mouth.

Angewl said...

She sounds like a complete bitch!

Ree said...

No.fucking.way.

You're a stronger woman than me. I'd have said something very choice and left.

George said...

holy crap.

How did you not hurt her? I would have socked her in the head.

Ahh well, blog the shit out of her. WE will all join in on the fun!

UGGGH I hate mean people.

momofcwd said...

Gosh, wouldn't it just be too awful if you came down with a virus and couldn't attend whatever requires you to be in her presence again? Maybe she needs the greater blogosphere to send her lots and lots of lovenotes.... :) I'm sure lots of us would be happy to ship a large box of used test strips, or perhaps venomous snakes, her way, too.. :)

Velma said...

I would love to go and accidentally sit on her with my fat ass...

Zazzy said...

My dad makes a point of reminding me on an almost daily basis about how fat I am. At the same time, he wants me to cook delicious foods. It doesn't matter, it's who he is.

I remind myself that he has this mean and nasty side that likes to push my buttons. That is WHO he IS. He's not going to change. It has nothing to do with who I am or what I look like or how I feel. He just likes to be mean sometimes.

For the most part, since I've really accepted this - I am able to shrug it off. It's him, not me.

Frustratingly for me (is that I real word?) - I find I still react strongly when other people push the dad button. Or at least it takes me longer to recognize it as a dad button.

Anyway, she's a bitch. You're a nice person with a great ass.

Lisa said...

Well, she'll be eating her words one day, won't she! Hang tough Julia and keep on keeping on. ((hugs))

Shannon said...

You have to come up with some good, generic comebacks that will fit any comment she makes. Have a stash of them to use on the occasion she says something mean and stupid.

Joke said...

"Actually, my ass is surprisingly light. Here, put your head underneath it, you'll see."

Loathsome.

-J.

MsPrufrock said...

WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE? Ahem. Sorry.

Let's just lock your SM and that bitch from my Mums and Babies group in a room together and throw away the key. Ugh. Assholes.

Scott said...

I have to say, I LOVE the image you included!! Seems appropriate for the occasion, too!

Scar said...

Ah, step-objects. A recipe for disaster.

www.startswithanx.com said...

How 'bout getting her a book called "How to Stop Being a Big Bitch and Start Being OK to Be Around." You could totally make it yourself and list all the shit she does and ways she could better handle it.
If you start working now, you could have an awesome book by Christmas.

Josi said...

Oooh, I LOVE the last suggestion! You could have come back with "it's a good thing it is so big, otherwise I may have broken my tail bone." The key to getting back at comments like that is showing they don't bother you at all. If they know it doesn't hurt chances are they won't come as often because what fun is it being mean if you don't even get a reaction?

Anonymous said...

She sounds like a bee-you-tee.
Why not start giving her clothes for gifts? - clothes size L. Try the Vermont Country Store - they sell great things we remember from days gone by, AND lots of muumuus. And oldfashioned old ladies' underwear.
And remember to smile, smile, smile.
Jenny

type1emt said...

What a complete..(well,its already been said) I would ship them right back to her.Or (accidentally)leave them at her house. Hang in there.

Ms Picket To You said...

bitch. major bitch.

atkins sucks anyway.

Dea said...

8O GAWD, what a hosebeast.....

Get her the book, How to Use Tact.

Yech - she's a real winner. Sounds like she is the one with the self esteem issues, if she's always putting you down....too bad she's just his wife - you're his daughter, always will be - her? Not necessarily....

SUEB0B said...

Obviously in her mind being skinny is more important than being...human.

..M.. said...

OMG have you stolen my ex-stepmother??
When I was a kid she used to buy my sister bikinis. I couldn't have one - instead I got a wrap around gross green towling bathing 'dress'. Because she didn't want me showing off my flabby bits.
She would often make comments about my size. and omg it hurt.
I so totally understand how you feel!

If my Dad hadn't left her I think I would have slapped her around a bit by now!