Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Don't Need To Walk Around In Circles

Another fucking argument with That Canadian Boy I Married about depression and what I can do to fix it. The $65 co-pay for Cymbalta will throw a massive wrench into our already-precarious finances but the depression is taking an even bigger toll.

His answer, after telling me he didn't think he needed to feel any sympathy or understanding for me, was that I should re-try all the anti-depressants I've already tried and already had documented reactions to - for some reason, he seems to think that my body chemistry will have changed and I won't have the same reactions to those drugs now. Mr. fucking physician, I guess.

These arguments leave me so drained. He doesn't get it, doesn't see the need to get it and honestly thinks I should just be able to say "Hey, self, stop feeling that way" and I will be fine. If only it were that easy. I try to explain it to him, try to talk to him about it and he just placates me by telling me that he understands. But then we have another one of these arguments and his true feelings show. He doesn't want to discuss it with a professional; he doesn't see the point.

I don't tell him a lot of what I'm feeling because of this. Of the times I flirt with taking the whole bottle of over-the-counter sleeping pills, of the wish that I could just go bat-shit crazy and be done with it. I know that he'd leave if I did go nuts. And while I'd survive that, I wouldn't survive him probably trying to take the kids away, which I'm sure he'd want to do - and it would be kind of understandable.

So I told him I'd make the damned phone call to the damned doctor and talk to her about it. I'm 99.9% sure that there's nothing new out there, that I've tried them all, but whatever. If it will shut him up and get him off my back, I'll do it. If that's the only way I can justify the $65 a month, so be it.

It pisses me off, though, this constant need of his to piss and moan about the cost of prescriptions for something he doesn't deem real. These are the times that I wish I could just swap bodies with him for a day, so he could live inside my head and see what a muddled mess it is in there, so he could see how I really feel most days, how difficult this is to handle without medication. Maybe then he might muster some of his nearly non-existent sympathy for what I'm going through.


Rachel said...

Don't know what else to say, but I'm around if you need anything. Goodness knows you've helped me lately. :)

Jill said...

I can so relate to this! my husband feels the same way about my depression. Mine's under control these days, but when it was really bad he just didn't get it. Thought I was being lazy when I wouldn't (couldn't) get off the couch to do anything around the house. Thought I was being melodramatic. Threw it in my face more than once to excuse his own bad behavior. I also wished I was "crazy" enough to end up in the hospital so he would take me seriously, or that I had a "real" sickness to justify how I was feeling. Even now, after being off my meds for over a year, if I'm having a bad day or just in a mood, he'll bring up the depression. It's his scape goat for everything. And it pisses me off. But not as much as when he was a bad day or is tired and says "I'm feeling kind of depressed today. I just need some time." Dude you are not fucking depressed! You have no idea what being depressed because if you didn't you wouldn't throw it around so casually. You had a bad day! everyone has bad days, suck it up and move on, but don't you dare try to use my very real condition against me because you don't want to deal with the kids tonight. Gah!! I'm angry on your behalf now! I want to smack both our husbands upside their thick little heads!! (OK... I'm done. Hope you get something worked out. Did you ever try Lexapro? You probably did, but thought I'd check anyway) xxoo

JaimieH said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this...there is such a stigma surrounding depression...I hate it so much! I've also felt this way and I just recently started seeing a psychologist...he does not feel I need meds but is open to it if I decide I want to try...

Love and hugs!

LauraJ said...

Before I downed every pill in my medicine cabinet followed by a fifth of vodka I left A's dad.
I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm not suggesting you just up and leave. I'm sorry some people just don't get that there is no freaking internal switch that makes us happy at the push of a button.

Leslie said...

Maybe you could suggest he read An Unquiet Mind? It's not exactly the same, since she's a manic depressive and it's my impression that you aren't manic, but it's an incredibly real and harrowing book about depression. I had my parents read it when they didn't get it with me, even after they had to come and visit me in the mental hospital. This helped them relate, finally.

Heidi said...

I'm sorry. He needs a (several??) good, swift kick in the rear. Or better yet, a kick in the junk. Then tell him to tell himself to "stop feeling that way," get up, and run a marathon. Because it's clearly all in HIS head...

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Please promise me that you won't down a whole bottle. I'm wondering if your hormones are out of whack. Can you see your female doctor? When I was suicidal, I was getting off of drugs but I'm sure that my hormones were out of whack at that time too.
Maybe getting a unicorn tattoo would help make you feel better?
You are going through the toughest time right now, with little ones at home.
I'm here for you if you need any other suggestions, since I've felt like this in my past.

w.v. conneac
Mean anything to you?

Velma said...

Hey, I'm here, too - not around much, but here. I get it, and my hub is a physician with a brother on lithium and another one who won't leave the house... let's just say the crazy train makes a long-ass stop at his family depot. It kills me when his "ignore-it-cause-we-gotta-keep-moving-forward" attitude makes him oblivious to what is going on with ME. Not to mention the whole unspoken background music of "At least it's not CANCER!"

Totally non-helpful, I know, but don't think you are alone, or feel lonely because no one has your exact same family situation. We're out here in large numbahs.

(See how I did that? Said a nice New England "numbahs" to make you laugh?")

You rock. Now let's try to help you roll with it, yes?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog from Green Eyed Monster-- Phew girl, you have your hands full. All I can suggest is asking your doc for Cymbalta samples (mine has tons!) and take your guy with you to a session and let him hear from the doc about depression. Hang in there.

Lyrehca said...

Oy, so sorry to read about this.

It's like telling him that insulin doesn't always keep O's blood sugars in check, so she shouldn't use it at all because it can be expensive. Why should treating depression be any different?

Good luck, and please, don't take the whole bottle of anything. Keep us posted.

Ree said...


artsweet said...

What Lyrecha said.

That and a kick in the nuts.

And please, please - there are so many of us out here muddling through this with you - please don't think the world would be better off without you in it. Because it wouldn't.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Just chiming in to say I'm thinking of you too.

Sarahtoo said...

Man, I'm so sorry that he's not listening! Perhaps that kick would help?

I haven't lived through depression myself (unless you count the kind that comes with sleep deprivation after a baby's birth), but I have lived with it--my dad was on lithium and other drugs my whole life, and self-medicated with alcohol when his dosages were off. Fun! It is hard to understand that there's something involuntary going on when you're looking in from the outside at a depressed loved one. And the other commenter was right--there's certainly a stigma about depression, probably because it's not an obvious wound. I hope that you and TCBYM can work through this--I think your willingness to ask your dr about other options is commendable, even if you're only doing it to get him off your back. You're doing the best you can--don't let him make you feel like you're at fault! And definitely don't go for the whole bottle. That's never the answer.

Andrea Y. said...

I have been reading your blog for many months now, and have failed to come out of the shadows and properly meet... for that I am sorry. I didn't feel I had enough time to reach out and give you proper love and attention.
We have mutual friends, and I've heard how completely fabulous you are, and I have experienced your fabulousness come shining through what you write in your blog. You are an amazing woman. And I am sorry you are feeling depressed. It is a disease I have struggled with most of my life, so I know all too well, the feelings that come with it.It is like wearing a full length heavy winter coat and clunky fur lined boots and everyone else is wearing a bikini.
I just want you to extend my hand to you and say in the words of John Prine, "Hello in there.... Hello."
You are not alone. Add one more to your friends list. My name is Andrea. It's nice to meet you finally.

...drc... said...

In addition to An Unquiet Mind, The Noonday Demon and Undercurrents are good for helping people understand. Trying to explain depression to someone is like trying to give a cat a bath. These books have been helpful for me even, to understand myself. As I'm reading I keep saying "that's it, that's exactly how I feel!" And it makes me feel a little less alone.
(Which by the way, you aren't.)

Poppy Buxom said...

I second the idea about the samples. I'm sure your doctor could scare up a few sample packs.

And no downing bottles of anything--not even Flintstone vitamins. OK?

Here's a book I find helpful: Taming the Black Dog by Patrick Ellverton. Lots of really good advice about ways to fight depression--drug free. Not that I don't advocate drugs, but these are great ideas for what to do while you wait for the drugs to kick in.

MamaKaren said...

I am so sorry. I wish I had something else to say that would help. It frosts me when I have to try to justify that mood disorders can't just be wished away or overcome. No one tells my father that he doesn't really need his cholesterol medicine, that he should just snap out of it and improve the levels on his own. And my husband had no problem with the need to try a couple different allergy medications before finding one what actually relieved symptoms. Yet, when it comes to my depression or my son's bipolar disorder or my daughter's ADHD, we're somehow being lazy or selfish to continue taking medication that does something.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

This is hard enough to go through (of this I know first hand) on your own, but with the added pressure of an unsympathetic partner, it makes it almost unbearable.

I don't know if I have any words that can help, but if there is ANYTHING I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know. Seriously, if it's just someone to listen, I'm only a phone call a way and not much of a drive either!

I hate leaving my house, but for you, the drive would be worth it!

Take care and know that I'm thinking about you.