Friday, April 25, 2008

The Black Dog Returns

I just don't feel like writing these days. I don't know what it is - laziness, ennui, a complete and utter lack of anything interesting to say? Maybe all three. It's frustrating as hell. I even have a meme sitting in the drafts that I can't manage to finish. Things are dire when you can't do a friggin' meme.

I just can't seem to get excited about anything. I stopped taking my anti-depressants because they made me feel even more foggy, but that hasn't helped lift this lethargy and utter don't-give-a-fuck-edness I'm enveloped in. I don't write here, I don't write on the NE Mamas blog any more and I have all I can do to comment on the blogs I do read, when I even bother to read those. I feel as though all the fun and happy has been sucked out of me. It's not pleasant.

And I know the answer is to get back on anti-depressants, but they don't make me feel that much better. I feel like I'm in a miasma when I'm on them. I can't take any of the good ones, the ones that really work, like Zoloft or Celexa, because I'm allergic to SSRIs. So I'm stuck with the old-school drugs.

Most days are very treadmill-like around here. I slog along, not getting anywhere, not able to keep the house clean because of the two destructo children I've spawned, who seem to think throwing everything is how it's done, no matter how I tell them to knock. it. off. There are flares of pure terror, like yesterday, when, despite my having locked the regular and child locks on her window, Boo managed to unlock both, open the window and the screen and had most of her upper body hanging out of the window before she was discovered. Her third floor window, oh by the way.

Today I'm buying child safety grills.

I do things, I have fun (or not) and then they almost immediately leave my head, as though they never happened. I want to enjoy my life, not feel like I'm detached and floating above it all as an impartial observer.

It just all seems so endless, like Möbius strip. I need to figure out a way to cut it.


Stomper Girl said...

Are you still being sleep-deprived? Because that (a) s effective torture and (b) makes it impossible to function properly.

Shannon said...

I've been taking stress vitamins with a lot of different B vitamins and I feel MUCH better.

Plus I'm making a point to have a more structured bedtime because I TOTALLY agree with Stomper Girl. Lack of sleep will mess you up no matter what meds or exercise or sunlight you take in.

I was in the same depression/rut/malaise as you and I'm now able to keep up with the housework, the kids' craziness, and life in general.

I used to take anti-depressants, but never felt much different while on them.

Zazzy said...

I have no useful advice, just a hug.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I'm not sure what to say but that I hope you can find relief, be it medicinal or not. I agree that lack of sleep is a major mind f**k although it sounds like you want to pull the covers over your head and be still for a while.

Maybe try to upend your entire routine and see if that helps? I find that changing the way I do everything can sometimes shake me out of my moods.

Is your doctor a big help? If you think this is beyond your control, please talk to someone. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Three things help me, outside of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep and a big glass of pinot grigio. One, music. I heard a live version of "Something Fine" today on XM's The Loft. Not a huge Jackson Browne fan but was transported nonetheless. Two, Vitamin D in the form of sunshine. Spring in New England is sweet for those without allergies. Is there a playground nearby where you can let the kids run while you sit peacefully on a bench in the sun? And three, a nice long walk. Preferrably near water of some kind. Tell your husband you need an hour of me this weekend. Set the iPod to Bruce and get outside. I promise you'll feel better. Meantime, hang in there.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to send you a ((hug)) from the bloggy world.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a whole lot to add except to ask if you've talked to the doctor that prescribed the anti-depressants to you? Maybe they have something else old school that won't make you as foggy. There has to be something.

Angewl said...

First, please talk to your doctor. Maybe something else is going on. Just rule out anything that could be wrong.

Second, you need a serious break. You need some rest and time to yourself.

Third and most importantly, MAJOR HUGS. {{{{hugs}}}}

elizasmom said...

Ech, I'm sorry. I have no advice, but I hope you find a way to escape this bad place soon.Oh, and just because I was just over at Joy Unexpected — have you had your thyroid function tested?

art-sweet said...

No brilliant advice, just hugs and lots of 'em.

We're not too far away now, if you ever want a little wee mini vakay.

SUEB0B said...

I agree with the sleep people. I thought I was severely depressed when I was just sleep-deprived from trying to share a bed with a clinging vine boyfriend.

I know it is tough to get sleep as a mother though.


sandy shoes said...

At the risk of causing you bitter laughter: is there any way at all you can get away, by yourself, for a couple days?

We try to make that happen for me every few months. It makes a huge difference.

I really hope you're feeling better soon in any case. I know it's hard.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

When I was on Prozac and Wellbutrin, they made me sick, on top of being depressed. If you need to talk (type) to someone, you have my email address. I can't tell you here what helped me. It would take up a whole page. I would be MORE than happy to share with you! I've missed you. You were one of my first favorites! Big hugs and love, T

Lara said...

boo. :(

i love you!

MsPicketToYou said...

If I had some foolproof plan to share, I'd have used it on myself. But telling helps, so keep telling. I got eyes and I'll use them.

If not a mother... said...

Having been "there" most of March and April, I'll have to agree with the sunshine comments. It has helped to get out in the sun early and often the past couple weeks.

(And you also know how quick I am to ask the thyroid question, so I won't even do it.)

Washington Crunchy Mama said...

My boss had written down a couple of herbal things her SIL uses with her kids that calms them down completely. I'll try remember to get that info to you.

Because I think what it comes down to is there just isn't enough J to go around and YOU need a friggin break.

My favorite saying is you can't pour anything out of an empty vessel...girl you're empty. (((hugs))