Whenever I get down, I listen to R.E.M.. I've been listening to a lot of them lately.
The baby didn't sleep last night. At all. She won't sleep now. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with her. She doesn't have a fever, she doesn't seem to be sick, she's just not sleeping.
I'm sick and tired of being the only person who takes care of these children. It's not like I sprung them on my husband. We both wanted to have kids. But now? He'd rather play poker or hockey or golf than spend any time with them what so ever. If he's left alone with them for more than an hour, he's constantly calling me on the phone, wondering when I'm going to be home.
The ONLY way I can get him to do ANYTHING with the kids is to leave the house. Yesterday I had to run a couple of errands and go to the market. He called, of course, about 45 minutes into the trip, to tell me The Bug was up and when was I going to be home. When I got home, he had her in her highchair and he was playing a game on the computer. She was crying and he wasn't even looking at her, he was just saying "Hush, hush, you're fine, you're fine." She so patently was NOT fine that I wanted to hit him, hard.
This whole avoidance thing that he's doing, with the poker, the hockey, the golf, the falling asleep immediately after dinner on the nights that he is home make me wonder if he's found someone else. He did it once before. It was an online thing, but it was serious enough that they were sending dirty pictures of each other back and forth. She lived in Detroit and he, conveniently enough, suddenly had a business trip out there, which mysteriously got canceled when I discovered what was going on. I haven't come across anything like that this time, but there are a lot of phone calls that are taken outside, text messages that get immediately erased from his phone. And yeah, I check. Once burned, etc., etc..
Add all this shit to the fact that, because the bottom fell out of the housing market and because we stupidly got an adjustable rate mortgage, we're most likely going to lose our house and I am a very unhappy person right now.
TCBIM reads this blog sometimes, so this post may come down later on.
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21 comments:
Big Hugs Darling! I'm so sorry. I wish so much more for you and the kids.
Oh, hugs...While I'm not around during the day, if you ever need to get away at night (even with the girls), I'm right down the street. Ally's good entertainment for them.
Oh God - if I could come and hug you and babysit for you right now, I would, I seriously would. Venting is always good start and if you need to vent safely some more, I'd recommend going to HBM's Basement.
First things first: Hugs
OK, now down to business - you should confront him. Going to bed is just his avoidance tactic. What he's avoiding... I have no idea, but if I were you I'd want to find out.
Just ask him. Wondering is usually worse than knowing. Me thinks.
I'm really sorry. And I hate to sound cynical but if I had the same suspicions that you do, I'd investigate them further.
I wish I could help out...aside from sending you positive vibes and strength, which I'm doing right now.
I was afraid it was something like this.
You deserve to be happy. I stand by that.
How can I help?
Aw, man. It's hard to say what I'm feeling in a comment. Especially since it would have many, many expletives. But listen to what MotherBumper said, go vent at the Basement or something like that.
In the meantime, shut off your phone the next time you're away from the house.
Wish I lived closer... wish I could kick some sense into your husband who ought to be counting his blessings to have you and these wonderful kids!
Any one of these things would be enough to make you feel like shit, but that is a truly scary combination. Sounds like you need to talk with him. Meantime I really hope that the baby rediscovers sleep, that TCBYM snaps out of it, that there is no someone else and that you get to keep your house. I really hope that.
Oh man, Julia - (((hugs))).
I agree with Mrs. Incredible - ask him. We're here for you, whatever the outcome.
{{{hugs}}} I don't really know what to suggest. If I were in that position I would be asking him about it and looking more into this.
I do not think it's fair that he is not helping at all and has decided that everything should be put off on you. You deserve so much better than that. you are a wonderful person, mother, wife and friend. If he can't see that, then he is a total dumb-ass.
Urgh. Julia. ((J)) - I'm sorry.
I agree with Agnew - if TCBYM can't see all he's got - he's a jackass.
I know there's not much we can do - except be here... Which we'll do.
Oh god. I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you.
Ugh. Stupidness.
You know, I *hope* he reads this! He deserves it!
Good grief ~ You are a stronger woman that I am. I always say "listen to the gut". I don't know what I'd do in your position, but I do know you are an amazing intelligent woman that'll come out on top no matter what. ((hugs))
I also think TCBYM needs to grow the fuck up.
Sh*t. That just is awful in so many different ways.
Hope you are Basement bound so you can rant rant rant.
Sending strong vibes your way.
Want the rest of my pecan pie liquor? That and a cyber hug is all I've got.
Loves woman, loves.
What a complete and total DickHead!
If he's suffering depression or some other illness, get him some help. Otherwise, a hard, swift kick in his rear is in order. Confront him. Ask him what HIS problem is, and how HE is going to fix it.
Remind him that divorce and wage garnishment for child support/alimony is So Dreadfully Unpleasant, and won't leave him much 'trolling money'.
And I think you need to leave him alone with the girls alot more now. A.L.O.T. Remind him that he will have entire weekends with the pleasure of their company in the event of divorce. (I know it's hard to think of leaving him with the children when he's being such a schmuck! But if you won't leave them with him now, how can you leave them for entire weekends in the event of a divorce!)
I don't pussyfoot around with this kind of passive-aggressive, soul-wrecking behavior.
Good luck, Julia. This isn't just a lack of sleep - you've got some real issues there with your husband.
and yes - a big hug to you, too.
I am so sorry. I wish I was closer to help you out.
You do need to confront your husband with your suspicions as well as the fact he is a non participant in the raising of the kids.
Thinking of you
I am very sorry about what you are going through... it's hard to deal with one kid sometimes and you are taking care four...and all alone...this is not fair...he must realize his responsibility.
You must talk with him about it...not like discussion but normal talk.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Bug will sleep. She will. She just turned one, right? Is she walking yet? Maybe she's getting ready to do something huge like that. I remember clinging to that theory that when a baby's sleep is disrupted for no apparent reason, something big is about to happen. Not that it helps you rest. But the perspective -- this, too, shall pass -- is good to try to keep in mind.
The avoidance thing is scary and infuriating. I hope he gives you some decent answers if the two of you can talk about it.
Hang in there.
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