I hate my life. I hate being home with the kids all day. I hate that I'm the one responsible for the majority of the housework even though I also work 30 hours a week outside the house. I hate that my kids don't listen to me. I hate that my husband doesn't listen to me, turning every issue I have back on to me and blaming me for whatever problems I have with him. I hate that he never, ever, EVER apologizes to me when he's done something wrong. I hate that he can't even admit that he HAS done something wrong.
People think I'm kidding when I say I want to run away, but I honestly do. I can't stand my life right now and at the moment, it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better any time soon and I'm not sure how much more of this shit I can take before I go completely batshit insane. I'm so stressed out. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to be left the fuck alone. I'm taking everything very personally, unless people are talking to me in the gentlest of tones, using non-accusatory words and I know it's because I'm stretched as taut as I can be. The lightest of touches is going to make me snap in two.
I can't seem to make my husband realize how stressed I am by all of this. When I do talk to him about it, he suggests that I get a full-time, week-day job, which would be great except that I can't find anything that would pay enough to have both kids in day care. Working at night and all weekend long (seriously - 19 hours on Saturday and Sunday alone this week) is burning me out. I never have any time to myself except for Friday nights and by then, I'm so fucking strung out that I wind up having a few drinks and being completely overwhelmed and going home before I take all my frustrations out the people I'm hanging out with.
Things need to change soon.
About Me
- Major Bedhead
- Things I need in life: - The Red Sox - Books - Lobster - Cheesecake - Pedantry - Internet access - Dry shoes Things I want in life: - To lose a bunch of pounds - To get more things done - The complete 27 volume set of the Oxford English Dictionary Things I can cross off my list of "What I wish for in my lifetime": - The Red Sox winning the World Series. Things at the top of my wish list: - A cure for diabetes
22 comments:
Is there someplace you can go for a few days to get away? Someone you can visit?
Not really. I can't afford to miss work & I don't know anyone who can put me up for a few days. Can't afford to stay in a hotel and I refuse to camp....
I hear you. I need true "me" time, which I haven't had in ages. Either I've been sick, or when G was on his vacation, I still had to work, or BlogHer, where I was surrounded (no offense to anyone who reads this).
I would host you, but I know there's that little problem with getting out here :(
I think you should get a job as a stripper. Then you could work nights and make $1,000.00 a night!
It's a win win situation. I'd do it but I'm not hot anymore. Thank god for you, you are still hot!
:)
Hugs and love,
GEM
Ugh! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I hope getting it all out on the blog at least helped a little.
Any chance you could hand the kids over to hubby or a friend and take an afternoon to yourself anytime soon? Even just to sit in a bookstore reading or go to the park and feed the ducks?
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way Julia. It stinks and I wish that I had an answer for you.
Take a deep breath aaaand...scream into a pillow! I totally get it. It's so hard to find some time for yourself with a) feeling guilty or b) having to find a family that will actually understand why you need it and give it to you!.
Go on strike! Go to work, come home and put your feet up, and have HIM do it all for a couple weeks. That'll teach him.
I'm sorry everything is so sucky. Having an unsupportive partner is just galling - I KNOW the feeling all too well.
I hope things get better before they get worse.
I always think that when things look so overwhelmingly shitty or insurmountable, it's better to break things up into teeny tiny pieces and try to work on things bit by bit.
The husband thing is very tough. I find that they feel attacked easily and it can become a "my life is harder than your life" contest very fast. No good.
The kids? Mine feed off of my slumps like those kids in Lord of the Flies. Did you get any answers when your daughter was evaluated? Will school starting change anything? Can you try a different discipline tact? (I go between How to talk so kids will listen. . .and 1-2-3 Magic. . .and the good ol' "cry and scream method" which is the least effective, IMO)
And, I could put up with you for a few days. . .or, you could do a tour of visiting some of us New England Mamas that know you and want to help!
I'm sorry. I really am sorry.
They do need to change. And for your sake, I hope they do. ::hugs::
I'm sorry, J. Have you considered talking to someone about this? A therapist / counselor? Finding a good one can be so helpful, because they can give practical suggestions for making improvements in your life, but they can also just listen to you vent if need be. I hope you are able to get some help from someone - friends, family, professional counselors, or ANYONE - soon. :)
Sounds VERY sucky, and clearly you're just plain old worn out with taking care of everyone else with no one taking care of you (including yourself). I agree wiht OG; you DO need to get away. If you can't take 'a few days' off of work, how about taking one day off (or two afternoons?)and just going to the movies by yourself (no one else to hog the popcorn), getting your hair cut, getting a pedicure, or just sitting at the library reading trashy magazines? I know you'll say "I can't afford it" but what a small expenditures to invest in your sanity and your ability to be a better, happier mother/wife!
Fairly Odd Mother has a great idea. This here fellow NEM would love to put you up...if you don't mind the sofa in the family room? Both our guest rooms are currently in use by teenagers!
Seriously, if you wanna run away, make a few pit stops. You know the people I'm talking about.
I told FOM that I'd leave her a trail of wine corks to my door. I'll leave them out for you too!
I'm so sorry. I wish I had something better to offer than an "ear" to listen and my commiseration and sympathy (because I know PRECISELY how you are feeling)...if you are ever anywhere near Arizona, you're welcome to come bunk here for as long as you need.
Word verification: fartorb.
Sent me into ridiculous giggles, verging on hysterical tears...My husband/child/boss/customer is a fartorb?!?
I am so sorry you're feeling this way! I'd definitely offer you a place to stay, but I'm a ways away. I second (third? fourth?) the afternoon escape idea. And if you can't afford a movie & popcorn, go to the library or take a book and find a bench in the park.
I wish I could be more helpful. I hope that something changes soon!
I'm off absolutely no help at all, I just thought I'd say that I am thinking of you. Roll your eyes at that, useless as a chocolate teapot as my cliche sentiment is.
I do (only somewhat) know where you're coming from, as I have been at a point of hopelessness and abject depression too. There are few feelings worse, and I'm sorry you have to suffer through it.
Sometimes I need so much to be left alone that any conversation -- particularly from my husband -- feels like physical pain.
It will pass -- really, it will. But I hope you get a bit of relief, some way, somehow.
I wish I had an answer for you, I don't know how you do it.
Your immediate support network sucks and you have a lot on your plate.
Although it is not enough please find a way to get an hour a day to yourself. Sit in your car in silence at the big box parking lot, grocery store, parking garage whatever. I understand it's not enough, I've been there. But it could be the thing that keeps you from falling apart until you can get a real break.
Other than that, a sugar daddy perhaps? LOL I kid! Sort of ;)
I'm sorry. I'm reading this far after it was written. I hope that it looks a little better for you now than it did then.
Ohhh I can so relate to this because I was there too. Being a mom to two young 'uns who aren't in school yet is the most insane inducing part of parenthood. I don't care what anyone says. It really is.
Before you know it, the girls will be in school full time and you'll be floating in happiness!
If it helps, you are not alone in this crazy sisterhood.
I was in the exact same place a few months ago. See your GP. I got an antidepressant and it does help. Doesn't "fix" everything by a long shot, but it helps.
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