Torn

I have to go back to work. I'm so conflicted over this that I find myself sitting here going "buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh" with my hands clapped over my ears and rocking back and forth in the corner. Figuratively. For now.

On one hand, I don't want to leave the babies. Boo is so much fun (most of the time, when she's not being fucking TWO) and the Bug is such a smiley, happy, funny baby that I'm generally pretty content to be home with them.

On the other hand (there's a golden band...sorry, chanelling Randy Travis), I am looking foward to getting out of the house, to talking to other adults, to not being consumed with baby poop and baby food and naps and diaper changes and the dripdripdrip Chinese water torture that is staying at home with two little children.

I'll miss going to playgroup. I really like the women in it (which surprised me, given my misanthropic tendencies) and I'll miss seeing them every week. I'll miss their kids, too. They're all really nice kids.

I'll miss hearing Boo say "Oh, hiiiiiiii, Mama," with her arms open wide and her face smiling all over as I come into her room after her nap, as though I'm the one person she's been longing to see. I'll miss the Bug grinning her gummy little grin and wiggling her tiny body excitedly every. single. time. she gets a glimpse of me. She's about to crawl (she's only six months old, people! Is that freakishly early? Or am I just forgetting?) and I don't want to miss that.

I'll miss the Boo snuggles and Boo kisses whenever I want them. I'll miss the feel of the Bug when I hold her little body close to me. I'll miss Boo colouring 87 pictures for me and reciting the alphabet (sort of) to me. I'll miss singing Ram Sam Sam. I'll miss going to story time.

But then I scan the help wanted section of the Sunday paper and I see fifteen or twenty jobs that sound interesting and like they'd pay well and it seems like I could do them with one hand tied behind my back. I see all the temp agencies looking for administrative help and I know I could have a job next week. I called my former day care provider and had a long chat with her and while she can't take in both my kids, she's going to see what she can do. If she can't take them, she can give me some referrals.

We definitely need the money. Desperately. More than desperately, to be honest. And I need the stimulation. I also would like to work at something I enjoy. The writing thing seems to be going well and while I know that I can't get a job in the field, I could get something that would use my writing skills. I would enjoy that. A lot. So it looks like this is going to happen. Part of me is really, really looking forward to it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so guilty.