Letters, I got letters, I got lots and lots of letters

Dear CNN,

The fact that Britney and KFed are finally getting divorced IS NOT NEWS. It's gossip. Therefore, it should NOT be the teaser going into a commercial. It shouldn't be mentioned AT ALL. You are a NEWS station, not E! At least attempt to look serious. Especially on ELECTION day.

Yours in disgust,
Julia


Dear Joe,

I tried to like you, but your perfectly airbrushed face and lack of expression just isn't doing it for me. I don't like your hair and your clothes? Dude. They're about 3 sizes too big, which doesn't flatter you. At all. Bring back Steve and his goofy green rugby shirt. Steve is kind of nerdy and nebbishy, in a Lloyd Dobbler kind of way and if I must suffer thru children's programming, then, by god, I want, nay, I NEED to get a little something out of it.

Besides, I think Blue liked Steve better, too.

It's not you, it's me.

Your in fickleness,
Julia



Dear Avent Sippy Cup People,

Your cups suck. There are far too many pieces to the lid. Four. Four pieces, just for the damned lid. A hard little plastic disk, a soft little plastic disk, the sippy apparatus and the collar that said apparatus clicks into.

Your claim that these cups don't spill is ridiculous. And if it's because I'm doing something wrong, then your cup is too complicated. It shouldn't require a degree in advanced physics to put together a sippy cup!

Take a page out of Playtex's book. Two parts. The lid and the doo-hickey that goes into the lid. Put it in and hey, presto. Milk for a toddler doing the "Miwk, miwk, miwk" dance.

Yours in plasticy puzzlement,
Julia

Dear L.L. Bean,

I like your clothes. Honest. Yes, they’re a bit, um, practical and kind of lacking in zip and pizzazz, but they’re functional and sometimes, that’s what I need. Hell, MOST of the time, that’s what I need. I have babies. They throw up, get their sticky little paws all over me and cover me with grunge on a daily basis. I need clothes that will stand up to their molestations. And I really dig that I can return stuff that falls apart, even if it falls apart years later.

However, why can’t I buy a loden green sweater? Why is this colour reserved for men only? Look at it. It’s lovely. It would look fantastic on me. But no, it only comes in men’s sizes. The same holds true for your marine-blue turtleneck and your charcoal grey long-sleeved tee. Only available for men.

I’m not a man. I have boobs (boy, do I have boobs). I have (somewhat) of a waist and I have hips. I don’t like wearing men’s clothing. It makes me look even boxier than I already look. I’d like things that flatter what little shape I have, not that make me look like a big block.

Also, why can’t I get a sweater in a v-neck? Don’t you watch What Not To Wear? Don’t you know that a v-neck elongates you and makes you look taller and thinner and all those things that I strive for? I think you’re missing a huge opportunity here. Women like v-neck sweaters. Honest, they do.

I’m hardly a fashionista, but I think you’d be well-advised to get someone on your staff that could maybe drag you into the 21^st century. Some men like to wear pink shirts. Some women like to wear charcoal grey. You should work on that. Don't make me start shopping at Land's End. I'd lose my New England cred.

Yours in fashion confusion,
Julia

Dear Leslie and/or Karen, an Inmate At The Hampster County Jail,

My name is not Sandra Provost. I do not know a Sandra Provost. I don't know anyone who knows Sandra Provost. I'm sorry you're in jail and all, but stop calling me collect. You've called me 86 times in the last three days. I won't, on the 87th time, say "Oh my god, I DO know Leslie and/or Karen at the county jail," and accept the charges.

Yours in law-abiding-ness,
Julia

Dear Blogger,

Just fucking WORK, would you?

Yours in pissed off-edness,
Julia